08-11-2003, 04:27 PM
I felt embarrassed for I never bowed to any one in my life. Being alone made me comfortable about it. Then I went back to the standing position saying same`Allah leman hamedahu rabana walal hamd.
At this point I felt my heart was pounding and I grew more emotional when I repeated the takbeer with humbleness. It was time for prostration. I froze in my place while staring at the spot where I should go down to on my four limbs and placing my hands on the floor. I could not do it!!! I could not pull myself to go down, could not humiliate myself by placing my nose on the floor just exactly like a servant put down before his master. I felt my legs were tied so strongly that they could not bend. I felt much shame imagining my friends and acquaintances watching and laughing at me for making a foul of myself. I also imagined how will see me ridiculous and worth of sympathy.
I almost heard them say:" Oh poor Jif, he was a victim of mania from Arabs in San Francisco" Isn't this true. I started supplicating to Allah saying:" Please help me in this". I took a deep breath and forced myself to go down. Now I am down on my four limbs, it took me few moments until I physically forced my face down on the mat. During this moment, I totally freed my mind of any thoughts and repeated Sobhan Rubia a`ala three times. Allah u Akbar that is what I said next raising up from prostration while sitting on my heels. Still managed to maintain a free mind of any thoughts and determined not to be distracted.
Allah u Akbar again and back with my face to the floor.
While my nose was touching the floor I kept automatically repeating Sobhan Rubai Al`ala. I was seriously determined to finish the process no matter what it takes. Again Allah u Akbar and I stood up while telling myself I still have three times to go. I struggled with my emotions and pride during what was left of Salat, but it became easier with each time. At the last prostration, I became in full tranquility.
I read tashahud and said Salam Alykom on both sides. At that point I was totally exhausted. I reviewed to myself the battle I went through. I felt very embarrassed for having to fight myself to perform the prayer till its end. Lowering my head in shyness I made dua to Allah saying:" Oh Allah forgive my arrogance and stupidity, I came from a far place and I still have a long way to go"
Only then I experienced a feeling never knew it before and at the same time very difficult to describe in words. I was taken by a wave which I can only describe as coldness that seemed coming out of a certain point in my chest. It started very strong which struck me at the beginning that I remember I trembled. However, it was more than just a physical feeling it affected my emotions in a very unusual way as well.
It seemed just like mercy became so tangible that it went all around and through me.
I started crying for no obvious reason. Tears would just flow down my face. And I found myself sobbing uncontrollably. The more I cried the more I felt an enormous power of mercy and kindness is holding me. Crying was not out of a guilt feeling although I must, nor was it due to feeling of shame or joy. It was just as if a dam was opened to release an accumulation of fear and anger from inside me. While writing these lines, I have nothing to do but ask is Allah's forgiveness not only restricted on merely the pardon of sins but also healing and tranquility. For some time, I remained sitting on my knees, leaning to the floor with my head between my hands crying strongly.
When I finally stopped crying, I was very tired. It was an unusual torrential experience to an extend that did not allow me then to find a rational reasoning. At that time, I felt it was an extraordinary experience that I can not tell anyone about. While the most important thing I came up with at that time, is that I seriously need Allah and prayer. Before I stood up, I invoked upon Allah saying:" Allahum if I became bold enough to return being a non believer of You again, make me die before this could happen, take my life away". It is very difficult to live with all what I suffer of flaws and shortcomings but I can never ever live one more day denying your existence".