God has called me

[Anyabwile]

I'd like to comment on this opening post to these forums "god has called me" what i wrote now just over a year ago, everytime i come back here and have a look what my old buddies are up to i always see this post pinned, hoping it will be taken down as now i no longer feel this way. Personally i can say it takes a lot of strength and courage to be as deep into Islam as i was, to then being brave enough to look at the religion from an honest perspective as i did. It was when i started to look into Islam from the outside that i saw the truth of the religion, something very hard to do when you are dazzled by a sudden beleif in creation from an athiest. My stunning realisation of Islam was really now looking back, just a realisation of God or creation.


My passion for Islam came from a fear of Allah, as all healthy Muslims are encoraged to have. This is why we pray five times, this is why we follow the Prophet Mohammed word for word, breath for breath etc. It's all to serve Allah and avoid Hellfire. Islam personally had me trapped in a sphere of fear of ending up in hell for questioning or even thinking that things didn't add up, or that there were errors or very unusual things in the Qur'an which i could never justify no matter how hard i tried. For example one of the many many things, and most difficult to explain for me, was God/Allah givng permission for one of his Prophets to "have sex" with female captives of war outside of marriage. Why would God do this? This was amongst around several hundred other massive problems i was coming across in Islam/Quran being the literal word of God etc. I began questioning passages including the slavery in the below link, i tried to justify it as best i could:


http://www.islamsms.com/bb//index.php?...opic=2507&st=20


As a practicing Muslim, your life centres around Allah and the Prophet Mohammed, we are taught to love The Prophet Mohammed more than our own families/children of course and second only to Allah. So asking questions outside of this realm of dedication to these two main pillars of our lives is seen as offensive.


When i returned to these Forums after tackling a whole heap of questions given to me by Chrisitans/Atheists/Hindus etc etc i was battling at the time and when these questions i were asking at this forum here were straying close to being offensive to Islam, some posters here turned on me sadly. I do not blame these people who turned on me, because they have the fear of Hellfire also, so anything that may pull them close to agreeing with a somewhat offensive view or question toward Islam, will cause that ever present fear of Allah rising within them, and they will respond to me negative, to save their own back from Allah so to speak. Here is the post i responded in on my return:


http://www.islamsms.com/bb//index.php?...opic=1907&st=40


Sometime after or around this post i spent time alone with Allah praying much for guidance, and one particular night i decided to ask Allah for truth to allow me to open my mind to the many faults and errors i see in the Qur'an, look at them truthfully and with an open mind. If Islam is the truth, i will come away from my in depth but most importantly HONEST study of the Qur'an, Hadith and Mohammed a stronger Muslim as i would have faced my concenrns HONESTLY something i know it is very very very hard to do as a Muslim, question your own religion.


Without going in to details after this in depth study, i found Islam to not be the word of God as i wanted to belive it was. This wanting to belive was almost soley through fear of hellfire if i DIDNT belive. Anyway I found Islam to be something else. Something i dont wish to discuss openly as i have too many (i hope i can still call) friends here who are Muslim. But they can PM or email me ANYTIME and we'll speak for days, im sure we've got loads to talk on!


At the moment because i live in a Muslim community in the UK, there are some who wish to carry out the Islamic ruling on an Apostate (one who leaves his religion) and have me killed (as the prophet Mohammed commanded) so i do live day to day with a certain degree of paranoia. (I've had death threat emails sent to my work etc, informing me i have three days to repent or i die) I also know i have given my home address to certain members on this board when i was Muslim so i have now moved address but could still be found i guess. This may seem a bit paranoid but less than a year ago even I MYSELF would have thought that the death scentence would have been correct for me, as this is what Mohammed said, this is a firm beleif in Islam and in an islamic state so there for "anyabwile" would have agreed with it. So i know how some people may feel and i know some of the more devout brothers/sisters may wish to carry that out or encourage it. I doubt things would get this bad for me but of course that threat is always there.


However i don't consider myself an apostate, as i now have a firm beleif in God, it's not the God Mohammed followed. It's not Jesus Christ or any written religion or anything. I simply am now at the point of solid beleif in creation. Which is something very powerful when this beleif hits you from being an Atheist, or even agnostic, i mistook this sudden beleif, for Allah calling me, which it wasn't, it was just a new beleif in creation/god/intelligent design etc.


Islam was very easy for me to fall into at the time what with my personal problems etc. My ex who i effectively left for Islam along with my daughter of 2 have now moved on elsewhere with someone else they are now happy. I see my daughter however so the relationship isnt as bad as it could have been, considering i did leave her for somethinG i now no longer belive in, even dislike. This i have to live with and its a constant pain but outside of that i'm living, survivng as we all do.


I will miss the brotherhood in Islam, although of course, they were only brothers with me, for the sake of Allah, not because they were true friends (something which i now belive is stronger) Anyone can love me because they want a reward from God when they die, but to be a friend just to be my friend? This is more powerful. The brothers i used to pray with no longer speak to me of course, and i understand, after attempting to bring me back to Islam, once they knew they had "lost" me i dont even get eye contact in the street. But this is fine, to be honest, there's not much we're gonna really be speaking about now is there. The latest rap CD'S?


I feel i want to apoligise to Shaunee the most, as i remember being one who was pushing her to leave her family for Islam as i did. Which im now finding out was the biggest mistake of my life. This is why i wish to apologise to Shaunee, theres nothing i can say in fact, i would just say stay deep in Islam, never look outside of what your Imam or other brothers and sisters tell you, and you may live a happy life, and die expecting Paradise, what could be better? This is advice i'd give to all Muslims to be honest, as the pain of discovering the truth once you really (HONESTLY) look for it, is immense.


Also sorry to Muslimah for what i feel would be seen from your perspective, as letting you down. Muslimah was like a mother to me who was only doing her Gods deeds, and if Allah did exist, he would be very very pleased with her, as with Dan, Intuition, Umm and all the other who supported me. Allah wont reward you for this, but God may well do, who knows.


Reading back on my battles with John Doe and Ronniv i hang my head in shame and can only apologise, i was doing something i thought at the time was right. Now looking back i can see how i'd fallen into the mode, the bubble i call it, the black painted bubble, you exist within it, but you can't see anything outside of it. I dont belive or follow any religions so i still cant relate to Ronni however theres things in Islam that once discovered as a practising Muslim who loves Mohammed and FEARS Allah, can cause upset and cause confusion unlike anything you would have previously known as a Muslim. These things are more disturbing than those in the religion Ronni follows, despite them both having their dark side.


I'd like to think by writing this those who feel the same can know there are others who were/are where they are feelings wise and it is possible to make that step, its just about being brave enough or wanting to. If you're happy in Islam and have no doubt or concerns then as long as you're not following Islam to the absoloute letter, or taking everything literal (Jihad etc) then carry on with it, why not. When i was a Muslim at the point before i started to question i was (or so i thought at the time) very happy with life as a Muslim. But i know certain members on this forum have similar concerns to me from PM conversations we had.


So i hope im still welcome to post now and then, of course i will avoid anything that offends my friends here as i know how i would have responded and did respond to certain things. Anything thats "touchy" im more than happy to speak with people either by PM or preferably at anyabwile@poetic.com Also anyone who feels like they want to speak on it also drop me a mail, trust me talking is good. As long as you pray hard and ask God/Allah for protection before speaking with me etc then rest assured you wont be guided wrong. I asked what i thought was Allah (but was more likely to be just God if anything) and i was guided correct. As i feel i can breath again, life is far from perfect but i can breath.


Before i became Muslim i never went for loads of girls, drink or anything like that, so life hasnt really changed much for me, just the gaping loss of my family but we all have problems many much much worse. Thats why i say if you're not sacrificing anything for Islam, then why not carry on, or even embrace it as long as you dont do so literally, but if you are sacrificing something important to be a Muslim, it will be the biggest mistake of your life when you "discover"


I hope this post isn't deleted by the Mods i think that would be a shame but i know this won't happen as theres no need to edit or delete it really, ive been very careful in my wording. Anyway, I think its best to end this loooong speech before i sound like even more of a self important big head, by saying God DID call me, but it wasn't Allah, it was simply beleif in an intelligent creator. But besides that, if you still want me...im back.

[radiyah]

Bismillah


First, welcome back Any, and I am really sorry for u, but then it is your choice, and we cannot force u or force islam on u, and i want to remind u that we told u in the begining be careful and do it step by step and do not rush it, but u did not listen to us. Anyways you are free, and whoever is threatining u in the emails, has no right to do that, none of us has the right to do that, especially those who are living in a non muslim country like britain even if there is a muslim community, u r still living in britain under its ruling, so non has the right to threaten u or kill u any, not even in a muslim country, Prophet Muhammad did not give us individuals the right to kill people just because they left their relegion, there was one christian at the time of sahaba who embraced islam went for hajj and then one of the servants stepped on his dress, or whatever, he went to report it to one of the sahabas asking to punish that servant for stepping on his garment, of course the answer was not up to his expectations, he told him u and him here in haj or out of it in the eyes of Allah the same, and i will not punish him, he was offended as how islam makes a servant equal to him, he said i do not want the relegion that makes me equal with this servant, i will return to christianity. The sahabas did not hold him or kill him, they told him u r free but just leave mekka u r not allowed to stay here. I am sorry i do not have the reference for this story right now but i will search for it and post it. I do not know from where people bring that idea that any muslim has the right to kill an apostate, they will have the right only if they are under an islamic ruling and if the ruler allowed it, we are not living in a jungle Any. And are u sure that those who are sending u those threatining emails are muslims.


Second from my side as a moderator I will not change this post or delete any of it, or even unpin it, because to us muslims we should not use The word God for Allah according to the below thread:


http://www.islamsms.com/bb//index.php?showtopic=2883


So according to that u r following a God, so it does not make any difference, but I would like to remind u that if u chose your way, just stay that way and do not try to show us how wrong we are, and trying to show us how your path is right and ours is wrong. Alhamdulilah we know what is right and what is wrong and we know and sure of our faith.


U want a God without fear, without punishments, okay follow that, and let us follow ours and no need for those sentences Any Like:

If you're happy in Islam and have no doubt or concerns then as long as you're not following Islam to the absoloute letter, or taking everything literal (Jihad etc) then carry on with it, why not

Thats why i say if you're not sacrificing anything for Islam, then why not carry on, or even embrace it as long as you dont do so literally, but if you are sacrificing something important to be a Muslim, it will be the biggest mistake of your life when you "discover"

We are happy in islam and we have no doubt in it, and we do not need advice as not to follow it to the absolute letter, if we do not then we are not following the Word of Allah, Jihad is an order from Allah weather any of the non muslims like it or not, but not the jihad or terrorism that the west media is showing islam to be. It is not time now to defend Jihad or anything else, Alhamdulilah Allah will defend his relegion, and if u or thousands left islam it is still strong and the truth. And concerning the slaves I think i explained it in the thread u put here, and in many other threads, and I will not repeat myself or any of my brothers and sisters.


And concerning this:

will miss the brotherhood in Islam, although of course, they were only brothers with me, for the sake of Allah, not because they were true friends (something which i now belive is stronger) Anyone can love me because they want a reward from God when they die, but to be a friend just to be my friend? This is more powerful.

I totally disagree with u on this, If u have a brother or sister, if u have a good relationship with him, then u will be a very good and close friend. now if u have a true brother and a friend if your brother died or your sister died, u can never have another brother or sister like him, especially if u lost your parents, but if u lost a friend u can always find another, so brother hood is more strong than friendship and more deeper Anya.


You are welcome to stay, none of us will threaten u Anya I am sure of that, But just dont try to show us how wrong we are, because we are not.


Last I would like to tell u that u judged Islam as wrong on a very early judgement without studying it deeply and looking at it only from a narrow perspective, and to points that christians and athiests and hindus raised, who tried to show u how bad islam is, and not trying to listen to what we are telling u. We might have been wrong in our explanations, or maybe not clear, we ask Allah forgivness for this, then it is our mistake, and not a fault in Islam. Many issues we might not have answered completely because it is out of our ignorance and not fault in Islam. There are scholars to answer all these questions, we are not scholars, we try to find answers from our scholars for u or others.


If there are any doubts or questions about islam, we would rather it is questioned in the open on the forum, and not by pm, we have nothing to hide, we do not work in the dark like others trying to pull people out of their relegion, Alhamdulilah we are always honest and we do not lie and if we make mistakes it is not by intention. So if u still have questions or doubts put them here on the forum, u r welcome and we are insha'Allah ready to answer wether convinced or not, it is up to u, the important thing we do our part and explain.


Anyways I will not blabber a lot, u r welcome to stay Anya, just remember that this is an islamic board and try to follow the rules. Thanku


Peace

[umm Zachariah]

Bismillah


Peace Anyawbile


I also wish you welcome back and do echo the words of my sister.


I will only make one short comment to what you wrote, about the brotherhood in Islam and that it is not strong nor genuine. Today when I read what you had written, I lost, I TRULY felt I lost a brother and it is very hurtful. The same feeling as when I lost my father a year and half back.


Let me tell you a story. Just give me the privilage. Since a sister comforted me by it today.


A brother from Saudiarabia, used to visit anti islamic rooms on Palkalk, there were a lot of dirty talk about Islam and it's Prophet saws. He believed in what they said. He became Christian and started to attack Islam for one year on Paltalk. Then he disappeared for several months, people started to think he had died. But one day he came back into the room where he used to attack Islam, he asked to have the microphone, and everyone thought he would start all over again. He said: I started to visit this room over two years ago and believed in everything that was said about Islam here, I left Islam and became Christian. Now after I have studied the Bible I realize that I was wrong. After that he said Shahadah and recitated some verses from the Qur'an and started to cry.


Peace

[radiyah]

Bismillah


Alhamdulilah sister UMM, that he came back, many stories like these we read every day, especially in egypt where the attack on muslims there is so strong trying to convert them to christianity, they succeeded with one girl, who was relegious and wearing hijab, but came back to be a stronger muslim and she exposed them all with all the lies they were using against islam.


Alhamdulilah for Islam.


Salam

[Muslimah]

Bismillah


Salam Anya


I will welcome u again in public after doing this on a pm.


I echo everything my two sisters said. Anya what happened with u was no surprise to me. You struggled so much on many aspects, u jumped into the ocean head first and took the whole bottle of cough syrup. Our beloved Messenger whom we love so much, u know why we must love him so much more than our selves and the rest as u stated? Because only when u love someone that much that u try to copy as best as possible. A little girl copies her mother whom she loves so much and so does the little boy.


Anya, this situation is a test for all of us Muslims, it is a situation which we didnt experience before. So Allah Willed for us to learn how to handle it. Insh aAllah we will handle it the way Pleases Allah.

[Muslimah]

Bismillah


Peace Anya


One point I will to bring to u, I think u need to hold on your posts till we check with a scholar about your situation.


However, another thing I like to say from heart to heart, I was really surprised as why u wanted to hint or make an indirect inclination about some other members doubts here specially after u made a list of those who communicated with u thru pm.


I m not sure what was the aim in this?


Again I echo Radiyah's words, in Islam we have nothing to hide Alhamdulelah, many Muslims come to stations where they dont understand for example why we must follow Sunnah and how hadeeth was collected and they get trouble about it. Then Alhamdulelah with correct knowledge, they just come back.


Anyah I will leave it here, till we check first about how to handle this new situation to us and get back to u.

[Anyabwile]

I 100% agree with those saying i learnt too much to quickly. I agree 100% i dont think i failed to understand anything personally, i think i failed to justify certain aspects, thats the difference. But by reading too much, and too quickly i started to bury too deep into islam and discovered things some other Muslims may not have yet discovered. However theres no need to tell me this is an Islamic board i posted here daily for almost a year or nine or so months so as i said i'm not going to bring up certain subjects here. Theres no need really.


Umm i am sad with your words but not suprised, you may have lost a brother but i dont feel you have lost a friend, if you also feel you have lost a friend then perhaps my comments about being friends only for Allah were true. Anyway, i posted this here to counter what i wrote a year ago, to show both sides, i think it makes an intresting continuation of this post and would be healthy to remain but either way, i feel i can breathe now.

You are welcome to stay, none of us will threaten u Anya I am sure of that, But just dont try to show us how wrong we are, because we are not.

I never would try to do that, if someone would have come on and tried to show me how wrong i was i wouldnt have had it either, any discussions of that sort can be done with me via email or PM that's fine. When i say im back i mean purely from a communication perspective, i will debate Islam on another board not here because even if you dont consider me as such i still consider you as freinds, i dont even think you're on the "wrong path" as i've been told im saying to you, which im not, i dont think there is a right or wrong one, i just dont think you should sacrifice anything dear to you for this because as i said, when you look deep enough as i did, its painful. Otherwise fine, as long as no one is getting hurt.

I do not know from where people bring that idea that any muslim has the right to kill an apostate, they will have the right only if they are under an islamic ruling and if the ruler allowed it,

But why should my life be taken radiyah? If it was ruled i should be killed for leaving islam in an islamic state, why should i be killed anyway? Think about it, physically killed? What would be explained to my daughter and family? God isn't a monster. I dont belive in him so he thinks<b> i should be killed? </b>This sounds more like a human emotion, God or Allah is above human emotions.


It's when you look deep into issues like these that the walls start falling around you. Radiyah if you would have the patience i would like to continue this discussion with you in a PM or email please as i dont wish to offend on this forum to be honest. Let me know if i can PM you and i will.


Anyway not much more i can say without getting into uncomfortable territory only to say i still find it intresting reading and i'm here on email or PM. To those who still consider me a friend.


Leaving this post here would be a strong test for those here so removing it would not offend me in the slightest id fully understand, my aim is not to make people leave Islam, its just to counter what i wrote and to have that viewable for both sides of the story.


Thanks again.

[Muslimah]

Bismillah


salam Anya


Sobhan Allah I was coming to make this post, I found that u already replied.


Now I still didnt read your reply, so my post will be without even knowing what u wrote.


Ok, as u stated and put me in the mother's position. As a mother, when the son goes astray and comes back, even without announcing that he wants to come back, a mother must say welcome back [img]style_emoticons/default/smile.gif[/img] . As to where this may lead Insh a Allah for the best Anya. I m one who does not show her emotions, but u just put it right, u were like a son to me and still is.


I already checked and what I got as opinion comformed with my personal preference Alhamdulah. Insh a Allah u continue posting, there is a non Muslim room any way.


dont worry Anyah things will be fine. There are raised Muslims who went thru this. It is how to handle it that is the problem. If u dont know there are a number of companions who went thru this and came back to islam.


dont worry son, Insh a Allah Allah Will Assist us on this one as Allah Assisted us before.


Allah Say:


"Alif-Lam-Mim.


الم


2.


Do people think that they will be left alone because they say: "We believe," and will not be tested." (Quran 29:1-2)


We as believers are constantly tested.


Now Insh a Allah I will go read your post.

[Anyabwile]

It may be worth noting that i didnt title this topic "a number of concerns may allah help us all", just because to me, there are no longer concerns.


However besides that, i dont think you understand the actual reasons why i left Islam Muslimah, this is where theres confusion, someone like me, who was so dedicated to Islam would not just leave for no reason. The day i finally accepted the truth of the religion i had tears in my eyes. It wasnt a case of im bored of this, or there was something better, im living exactly the same as i did when i was a muslim except the prayers (im probably speaking to God even more funnily enough), so its not the lifestyle. Its because i opened my eyes and heart and brain to the truth. However i really dont wish to discuss it openly as it could get offensive, my original post was simply to counter what i posted in the "God Has Called me" topic. I feel it should remain there, but if not, can i at least ask the link ive added there remains. I'd prefer PM discussion as i could offend however.

[Muslimah]

Bismillah


I like to make a very important comment here.


Since Anya on his first post did mention a number of members by name thanking them for their support, namely; Dan, Intuition and Umm besides me of course.


Then on another paragraph, he again said that he knows members who share similar doubts thru pm conversations.


Anya, I m not sure if u r singling the members u mentioned by name. I think your approach is kind of strange a bit to me at least.


What is more important even, is that u stated that they share the same doubts. However, I like to explain to you and others. If someone does not know something or understand something, it never means that this person has doubts. Why then there is the science of Quran, hadeeth, fiqh, Sharia and the rest of Islamic branches of knowledge? Because there is just one person who knows it all. No because Allah Created us to complete each other, to fill the gaps for each other, to learn from each other.


The problem is that you thought u can understand everything, thus transferred your areas of not understanding into doubts.


Again we really appreciate if u want to discuss a point, just bring it on the table as Radiyah told u. We Alhamdulelah have nothing to hide. But to continue making such hints that there are points that you prefer not to discuss in public.


I mean come on Anya, u see how John and others for example discuss, we dont take offense because Alhamdulelah we know Islam is the truth.


And dont worry, I m aware and will respect that u dont want to discuss things with me.


There are others who are more than ready to help explain what we may have fallend short in explaining.


Again this is a public invitation for you.