08-27-2002, 02:34 PM
She is obedient to her husband
and shows him respect
The true Muslim woman is always obedient to her husband, provided
that no sin is involved. She is respectful towards him and is always
eager to please him and make him happy. If he is poor, she does not
complain about his being unable to spend much. She does not complain
about her housework, because she remembers that many of the virtuous
women in Islamic history set an example of patience, goodness and a
positive attitude in serving their husbands and taking care of their
homes despite the poverty and hardships they faced. One of the
foremost of these exemplary wives is Fatimah al-Zahra', the daughter
of Muhammad and the wife of `Ali ibn Abi Talib (RAA). She used to
complain of the pain in her hands caused by grinding grain with the
hand-mill. Her husband `Ali ibn Abi Talib said to her one day, "Your
father has brought some female slaves, so go and ask him for one of
them to come and serve you." She went to her father, but she felt too
shy to ask him for what she wanted. `Ali went and asked him to
provide a servant for his beloved daughter, but the Prophet could
not respond to those who most dear to him whilst ignoring the needs
of the poor among the Muslims, so he came to his daughter and her
husband and said: "Shall I not teach you something that is better
than that for which you asked me? When you go to bed at night, say
`Subhan Allah' thirty-three times, `Al-hamdu lillah' thirty-three
times, and `Allahu akbar' thirty-four times. This is better for you
than a servant."
Then he bid them farewell and left, after inin them this divine help
which would make them forget their tiredness and help them to
overcome their exhaustion.
`Ali (RAA) began to repeat the words that the Prophet had taught
him. He said, "I never stopped doing that after he had taught me
these words." One of his companions asked him, "Not even on the night
of Siffin?" He said, "Not even on the night of Siffin."8
Asma' bint Abi Bakr al-Siddiq served her husband al-Zubayr, and took
care of the house. Her husband had a horse, which she took care of,
feeding it and exercising it. She also repaired the water-bucket,
made bread, and carried dates on her head from far away. Al-Bukhaari
and Muslim report this in her own words:
"Al-Zubayr married me, and he had no wealth, no slaves, nothing
except his horse. I used to feed his horse, looking after it and
exercising it. I crushed date-stones to feed his camel. I used to
bring water and repair the bucket, and I used to make bread but I
could not bake it, so some of my Ansari neighbours, who were kind
women, used to bake it for me. I used to carry the dates from the
garden that the Prophet had given to al-Zubayr on my head, and this
garden was two-thirds of a farsakh away. One day I was coming back
with the dates on my head. I met the Messenger of Allah, who had a
group of his Companions with him. He called me, then told his camel
to sit down so that I could ride behind him. I told (al-Zubayr), `I
felt shy, because I know that you are a jealous man.' He said, `It is
worse for me to see you carrying the dates on your head than to see
you riding behind him.' Later, Abu Bakr sent me a servant, who
relieved me of having to take care of the horse; it was as if I had
been released from slavery."9
The true Muslim woman devotes herself to taking care of her house and
husband. She knows her husband's rights over her, and how great they
are, as was confirmed by the Prophet's words:
"No human being is permitted to prostrate to another, but if this
were permitted I would have ordered wives to prostrate to their
husbands, because of the greatness of the rights they have over
them."10
And:
"If I were to order anyone to prostrate to anyone else, I would have
ordered women to prostrate to their husbands."11
`A'ishah (May Allah be pleased with her) asked the Messenger of
Allah : "Who has the greatest rights over a woman?" He said, "Her
husband." She asked, `And who has the greatest rights over a man?" He
said, "His mother."12
A woman came to ask the Prophet about some matter, and when he had
dealt with it, he asked her, "Do you have a husband?" She
said, "Yes." He asked her, "How are you with him?" She said, "I never
fall short in my duties, except for that which is beyond me." He
said, "Pay attention to how you treat him, for he is your Paradise
and your Hell."13
How can the Muslim woman complain about taking care of her house and
husband when she hears these words of Prophetic guidance? She should
fulfil her household duties and take care of her husband in a spirit
of joy, because she is not carrying a tiresome burden, she is doing
work in her home that she knows will bring reward from Allah
(subhaanahu wa 'ta'aalaa).
The Sahabah, may Allah (subhaanahu wa 'ta'aalaa) be pleased with
them, and those who followed them understood this Islamic teaching
and transmitted it from the Prophet . When a bride was prepared for
marriage, she would be told to serve her husband and take care of his
rights. Thus the Muslim woman knew her duties towards her husband,
and down through the ages caring for her husband and being a good
wife were established womanly attributes. One example of this is what
was said by the faqih al-Hanbali ibn al-Jawzi in his book Ahkam al-
Nisa' (p. 331): In the second century AH there was a righteous man
called Shu`ayb ibn Harb, who used to fast and spend his nights in
prayer. He wanted to marry a woman, and told her humbly, "I am a bad-
tempered man." She replied, tactfully and cleverly, "The one who
makes you lose your temper is worse than you." He realized that there
stood before him a woman who was intelligent, wise and mature. He
immediately said to her, "You will be my wife."
This woman had a clear understanding of how to be a good wife, which
confirmed to the man who had come to seek her hand that she was a
woman who would understand the psychology and nature of her husband
and would know what would please him and what would make him angry;
she would be able to win his heart and earn his admiration and
respect, and would close the door to every possible source of
conflict that could disrupt their married life. The woman who does
not understand these realities does not deserve to be a successful
wife; through her ignorance and shortcomings she may provoke her
husband to lose his temper, in which case, she would be worse than
him, for being the direct cause of his anger.
The tactful Muslim woman is never like this. She helps her husband to
be of good character, by displaying different types of intelligence,
cleverness and alertness in the way she deals with him. This opens
his heart to her and makes him fond of her, because being a good wife
is a not only a quality that she may boast about among her friends,
but it is also a religious obligation for which Allah (subhaanahu
wa 'ta'aalaa) will call her to account: if she has done well, she
will be rewarded, but if she has fallen short she will have to pay
the penalty.
One of the most important ways in which the Muslim woman obeys her
husband is by respecting his wishes with regard to the permissible
pleasures of daily life, such as social visits, food, dress, speech,
etc. The more she responds to his wishes in such matters, the happier
and more enjoyable the couple's life becomes, and the closer it is to
the spirit and teachings of Islam.
The Muslim woman does not forget that her obedience to her husband is
one of the things that may lead her to Paradise, as the Prophet
said:
"If a woman prays her five daily prayers, fasts her month (of
Ramadan), obeys her husband and guards her chastity, then it will be
said to her: `Enter Paradise by whichever of its gates you wish.'"14
Umm Salamah (May Allah be pleased with her) said:
"The Messenger of Allah said: `Any woman who dies, and her husband
is pleased with her, will enter Paradise.'"15
The Prophet draw a clear and delightful picture of the well-behaved,
easy-going, loving, righteous Muslim wife, one who will be happy in
this world and the next:
"Shall I not tell you about your wives in Paradise?" We said, "Of
course, O Messenger of Allah." He said, "They are fertile and loving.
If she becomes angry or is mistreated, or her husband becomes angry,
she says, `My hand is in your hand; I shall never sleep until you are
pleased with me.'"16
The true Muslim woman knows that Islam, which has multiplied her
reward for obeying her husband and made it a means of her admittance
to Paradise, has also warned every woman who deviates from the path
of marital obedience and neglects to take care of her husband, that
she will be guilty of sin, and will incur the wrath and curses of the
angels.
Al-Bukhaari and Muslim report from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet
said:
"If a man calls his wife to his bed and she does not come, and he
goes to sleep angry with her, the angels will curse her until the
morning."17
Muslim reports from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet said Imam:
"By the One in Whose hand is my soul, there is no man who calls his
wife to his bed, and she refuses him, but the One Who is in heaven
will be angry with her, until the husband is pleased with her once
more."18
The angels' curse will befall every woman who is rebellious and
disobedient; this does not exclude those who are too slow and
reluctant to respond to their husbands:
"Allah (subhaanahu wa 'ta'aalaa) will curse those procrastinating
women who, when their husbands call them to their beds, say `I will,
I will . . .' until he falls asleep." 19
Marriage in Islam is intended to protect the chastity of men and
women alike, therefore it is the woman's duty to respond to her
husband's requests for conjugal relations. She should not givsilly
excuses and try to avoid it. For this reason, several hadith urge a
wife to respond to her husband's needs as much as she is able, no
matter how busy she may be or whatever obstacles there may be, so
long as there is no urgent or unavoidable reason not to do so.
In one of these hadith, the Prophet said:
"If a man calls his wife to his bed, let her respond, even if she is
riding her camel [i.e., very busy]."20
And:
"If a man calls his wife, then let her come, even if she is busy at
the oven."21
The issue of protecting a man's chastity and keeping him away from
temptation is more important than anything else that a woman can do,
because Islam wants men and women alike to live in an environment
which is entirely pure and free from any motive of fitnah or haram
pleasures. The flames of sexual desire and thoughts of pursuing them
through haram means can only be extinguished by means of discharging
that natural energy in natural and lawful ways. This is what the
Prophet meant in the hadith narrated by Muslim from Jabir:
"If anyone of you is attracted to a woman, let him go to his wife and
have intercourse with her, for that will calm him down."22
The warning given to the woman whose husband is angry with her
reaches such an extent that it would shake the conscience of every
righteous wife who has faith in Allah (subhaanahu wa 'ta'aalaa) and
the Last Day: she is told that her prayer and good deeds will not be
accepted, until her husband is pleased with her again. This is stated
in the hadith narrated by Jabir from `Abdullah:
"The Messenger of Allah said: `There are three people whose prayers
will not be accepted, neither their good works: a disobedient slave
until he returns to his masters and puts his hand in theirs; a woman
whose husband is angry with her, until he is pleased with her again;
and the drunkard, until he becomes sober.'"23
When these hadith refer to the husband being angry with his wife,
they refer to cases in which the husband is right and the wife is
wrong. When the opposite is the case, and the husband is wrong, then
his anger has no negative implications for her; in fact, Allah
(subhaanahu wa 'ta'aalaa) will reward the wife for her patience. But
the wife is still required to obey her husband, so long as no sin is
involved, because there should be no obedience to a created being if
it entails disobedience to the Creator. Concerning this, the Prophet
said:
"It is not permitted for a woman who believes in Allah (subhaanahu
wa 'ta'aalaa) to allow anyone into her husband's house whom he
dislikes; or to go out when he does not want her to; or to obey
anyone else against him; or to forsake his bed; or to hit him. If he
is wrong, then let her come to him until he is pleased with her, and
if he accepts her then all is well, Allah (subhaanahu wa 'ta'aalaa)
will accept her deeds and make her position stronger, and there will
be no sin on her. If he does not accept her, then at least she will
have done her best and excused herself in the sight of Allah
(subhaanahu wa 'ta'aalaa)."24.
Another aspect of wifely obedience is that she should not fast at
times other than Ramadan except with his permission, that she should
not allow anyone to enter his house without his permission, and that
she should not spend any of his earnings without his permission. If
she spends anything without him having told her to do so, then half
of the reward for that spending will be given to him. The true Muslim
woman takes heed of this teaching which was stated by the Prophet in
the hadith:
"It is not permitted for a woman to fast when her husband is present,
except with his permission; or to allow anyone into his house except
with his permission; or to spend any of his earnings unless he has
told her to do so, otherwise half of the reward will be given to
him."25
According to a report given by Muslim, he said:
"A woman should not fast if her husband is present, except with his
permission. She should not allow anyone to enter his house when he is
present without his permission. Whatever she spends of his wealth
without him having told her to do so, half of the reward for it will
be given to him."26
The point here is the permission of the husband. If a wife gives some
of his money in voluntary charity without his permission, then she
will not receive any reward; on the contrary, it will be recorded as
a sin on her part. If she wants to spend in his absence, and she
knows that if he knew about it he would give his permission, then she
is allowed to do so, otherwise it is not permitted.
Mutual understanding and harmony between husband and wife cannot be
achieved unless there is understanding between them on such matters,
so that neither of them will fall into such errors and troubles as
may damage the marriage which Islam has built on a basis of love and
mercy, and sought to maintain its purity, care and harmony.
If the husband is a miser, and spends too little on her and her
children, then she is allowed to spend as much as she needs from his
wealth on herself and her children, in moderation, without his
knowledge. The Prophet stated this to Hind bint `Utbah, the wife of
Abu Sufyan, when she came to him and said, "O Messenger of Allah, Abu
Sufyan is a stingy man. What he gives me is not enough for me and my
child, unless I take from him without his knowledge." He told
her, "Take what is enough for you and your child, in moderation."27
Thus Islam has made women responsible for good conduct in their
running of the household affairs.
The Muslim woman understands the responsibility that Islam has given
her, to take care of her husband's house and children by making her
a "shepherd" over her husband's house and children. She has been
specifically reminded of this responsibility in recognition of her
role, in the hadith in which the Prophet made every individual in
the Islamic society responsible for those under his or her authority
in such a way that no-one, man or woman, may evade responsibility:
"Each of you is a shepherd, and each is responsible for those under
his care. A ruler is a shepherd; a man is the shepherd of his family;
a woman is the shepherd of her husband's house and children. For each
of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for those under
his care."28
The true Muslim woman is always described as being loving towards her
children and caring towards her husband. These are two of the most
beautiful characteristics that a woman of any time or place may
possess. The Prophet praised these two characteristics, which were
embodied by the women of Quraysh, who represented the best women
among the Arabs in terms of loving their children, caring for their
husbands, respecting their rights and looking after their wealth with
care, honesty and wisdom:
"The best women who ride camels are the women of Quraysh. They are
the most compassionate towards their children when they are small,
and the most careful with regard to their husbands' wealth."29
This is a valuable testimony on the part of the Prophet , attesting
to the psychological and moral qualities of the women of Quraysh
which enhanced their beauty and virtue. This testimony respresents a
call to every Muslim woman to emulate the women of Quraysh in loving
her children and taking care of her husband. These two important
characteristics contribute to the success of a marriage, make
individuals and families happy, and help a society to advance.
It is a great honour for a woman to take care of her husband every
morning and evening, and wherever he goes, treating him with
gentleness and good manners which will fill his life with joy,
tranquillity and stability. Muslim women have the best example in
`A'ishah (May Allah be pleased with her), who used to accompany the
Prophet on Hajj, surrounding him with her care, putting perfume on
him with her own hands before he entered ihram, and after he finished
his ihram, before he performed tawaf al-ifadah.30 She chose for him
the best perfume that she could find. This is stated in a number of
sahih hadith reported by Al-Bukhaari and Muslim, for example:
"I applied perfume to the Messenger of Allah with myown hands before
he entered the state of ihram and when he concluded it before
circumambulating the House."31
"I applied perfume to the Messenger of Allah with these two hands of
mine when he entered ihram and when he concluded it, before he
performed tawaf," - and she spread her hands.32
`Urwah said:
"I asked `A'ishah, `With what did you perfume the Messenger of Allah
at the time when he entered ihram?' She said, `With the best of
perfume.'"33
According to another report also given by Muslim, `A'ishah said:
"I applied the best perfume I could find to the Messenger of Allah
before he entered ihram and when he concluded it, before he perfomed
tawaf al-ifadah."34
When the Prophet was in seclusion (i`tikaf), he would lean his head
towards `A'ishah, and she would comb and wash his hair. Al-Bukhaari
and Muslim both report this in sahih hadith narrated from `A'ishah
(May Allah be pleased with her), such as:
"When the Messenger of Allah was in i`tikaf, he inclined his head
towards me and I combed his hair, and he did not enter the house
except to answer the call of nature."35
"I used to wash the Prophet's head when I was menstruating."36
`Aishah urged women to take good care of their husbands and to
recognize the rights that their husbands had over them. She saw these
rights as being so great and so important that a woman was barely
qualified to wipe the dust from her husband's feet with her face, as
she stated: "O womenfolk, if you knew the rights that your husbands
have over you, every one of you would wipe the dust from her
husband's feet with her face."37
This is a vivid expression of the importance of the husband's rights
over his wife. `A'ishah wanted to bring this to women's attention, so
as to remove from the hearts of arrogant and stubborn women all those
harsh, obstinate feelings that all too often destroy a marriage and
turn it into a living hell.
Honouring and respecting one's husband is one of the characteristic
attitudes of this ummah. It is one of the good manners known at the
time of jahiliyyah that were endorsed by Islam and perpetuated by the
Arabs after they embraced Islam. Our Arab heritage is filled with
texts that eloquently describe the advice given by mothers to their
daughters, to care for, honour and respect their husbands; these
texts may be regarded as invaluable social documents.
One of the most famous and most beautiful of these texts was recorded
by `Abd al-Malik ibn `Umayr al-Qurashi, who was one of the
outstanding scholars of the second century AH. He quotes the words of
advice given by Umamah bint al-Harith, one of the most eloquent and
learned women, who was possessed of wisdom and great maturity, to her
daughter on the eve of her marriage. These beautiful words deserve to
be inscribed in golden ink.
`Abd al-Malik said: "When `Awf ibn Muhallim al-Shaybani, one of the
most highly respected leaders of the Arab nobility during the
jahiliyyah, married his daughter Umm Iyas to al-Harith ibn `Amr al-
Kindi, she was made ready to be taken to the groom, then her mother
Umamah came in to her, to advise her, and said:
`O my daughter, if it were deemed unnecessary to give you this advice
because of good manners and noble descent, then it would have been
unnecessary for you, because you possess these qualities, but it will
serve as a reminder to those who are forgetful, and will help those
who are wise.
`O my daughter, if a woman were able to do without a husband by
virtue of her father's wealth and her need for her father, then you
of all people would be most able to do without a husband, but women
were created for men just as men were created for them.
`O my daughter, you are about to leave the home in which you grew up,
where you first learned to walk, to go to a place you do not know, to
a companion with whom you are unfamiliar. By marrying you he has
become a master over you, so be like a servant to him, and he will
become like a servant to you.
`Take from me ten qualities, which will be a provision and a reminder
for you.
`The first and second of them are: be content in his company, and
listen to and obey him, for contentment brings peace of mind, and
listening to and obeying one's husband pleases Allah.
`The third and fourth of them are: make sure that you smell good and
look good; he should not see anything ugly in you, and he should not
smell anything but a pleasant smell from you. Kohl is the best kind
of beautification to be found, and water is better than the rarest
perfume.
`The fifth and the sixth of them are: prepare his food on time, and
keep quiet when he is asleep, for raging hunger is like a burning
flame, and disturbing his sleep will make him angry.
`The seventh and eighth of them are: take care of his servants (or
employees) and children, and take care of his wealth, for taking care
of his wealth shows that you appreciate him, and taking care of his
children and servants shows good management.
`The ninth and tenth of them are: never disclose any of his secrets,
and never disobey any of his orders, for if you disclose any of his
secrets you will never feel safe from his possible betrayal, and if
you disobey him, his heart will be filled with hatred towards you.
`Be careful, O my daughter, of showing joy in front of him when he is
upset, and do not show sorrow in front of him when he is happy,
because the former shows a lack of judgement, whilst the latter will
make him unhappy.
`Show him as much honour and respect as you can, and agree with him
as much as you can, so that he will enjoy your companionship and
conversation.
`Know, O my daughter, that you will not achieve what you would like
to until you put his pleasure before your own, and his wishes before
yours, in whatever you like and dislike. And may Allah (subhaanahu
wa 'ta'aalaa) choose what is best for you and protect you.'"38
She was taken to her husband, and the marriage was a great success;
she gave birth to kings who ruled after him.
This advice clearly included everything that one could think of as
regards the good manners that a young girl needs to know about in
order to treat her husband properly and be a suitable companion for
him. The words of this wise mother deserve to be taken as the
standard for every young girl who is about to get married.
If she is rich, the true Muslim woman does not let her wealth and
financial independence make her blind to the importance of respecting
her husband's rights over her. She still takes care of him and
honours him, no matter how rich she is or may become. She knows that
she is obliged to show gratitude to Allah for the blessings He has
bestowed upon her, so she increases her charitable giving for the
sake of Allah. The first person to whom she should give generously is
her own husband, if he is poor; in this case she will receive two
rewards, one for taking care of a family member, and another for
giving charity, as the Prophet stated in the hadith narrated by
Zaynab al-Thaqafiyyah, the wife of `Abdullah ibn Mas`ud (RAA):
"The Prophet told us: `O women, give in charity even if it is some
of your jewellery.' She said, `I went back to `Abdullah ibn Mas`ud
and told him. `You are a man of little wealth, and the Prophet has
commanded us to give charity, so go and ask him whether it is
permissible for me to give you charity. If it is, I will do so; if it
is not, I will give charity to someone else.' `Abdullah said, `No,
you go and ask.' So I went, and I found a woman of the Ansar at the
Prophet's door, who also had the question. We felt too shy to go in,
out of respect, so Bilal came out and we asked him, `Go and tell the
Messenger of Allah that there are two women at the door asking you:
Is it permissible for them to give sadaqah to their husbands and the
orphans in their care? But do not tell him who we are.' So Bilal went
in and conveyed this message to the Prophet , who asked, `Who are
they?' Bilal said, `One of the women of the Ansar, and Zaynab/' The
Prophet asked, `Which Zaynab is it?' Bilal said, `The wife of
`Abdullah.' The Prophet said: `They will have two rewards, the
reward for upholdithe relationship, and the reward for giving
charity.'"39 According to a report given by Al-Bukhaari, he
said, "Your husband and your child are more deserving of your
charity."40
The true Muslim woman is always careful to give thanks for Allah's
blessings if her life is easy, and she never loses her patience if
she encounters difficulty. She never forgets the warning that the
Prophet issued to women in general, when he saw that most of the
inhabitants of Hell will be women, and so she seeks refuge with Allah
from becoming one of them.
Al-Bukhaari and Muslim narrated from Ibn `Abbas (RAA) that the
Prophet said: "O women, give charity, for I have surely seen that
you form the majority of the inhabitants of Hell." They asked, `Why
is this so, O Messenger of Allah?" He said, "Because you curse too
much, and are ungrateful for good treatment (on the part of your
husbands)."41
According to another report given by Al-Bukhaari, he said, "because
they are ungrateful for good and kind treatment. Even if you treated
one of them (these ungrateful women) well for an entire lifetime,
then she saw one fault in you, she would say, `I have never seen
anything good from you!'"42
According to a report given by Ahmad, a man said, "O Messenger of
Allah, are they not our mothers and sisters and wives?" He said, "Of
course, but when they are treated generously they are ungrateful, and
when they are tested, they do not have patience."43
When the true Muslim woman thinks about these sahih hadith which
describe the fate of most women in the Hereafter, she is always on
the alert lest she fall into the sins of ingratitude towards her
husband, or frequent cursing, or denying her husband's good treatment
of her, or forgetting to give thanks for times of ease, or failing to
be patient at times of difficulty. In any case, she hastens to give
charity as the Prophet urged all women to do, in the hope that it
may save them from that awful fate which will befall most of those
women who deviate from truth and let trivial matters distract them
from remembering Allah (subhaanahu wa 'ta'aalaa) and the Last Day,
and whose bad qualities will ultimately lead them into the Fire of
Hell. The Muslim woman, on the other hand, sets the highest example
of respect towards one's husband and taking note of his good
qualities. This is the attitude of loyalty that befits the true
Muslim woman who respects her husband's rights and does not ignore
his virtues.
Muslim women's history is full of stories which reflect this loyalty
and recognition of the good qualities of the husband. One of these
stories is that of Asma' bint `Umays, who was one of the greatest
women in Islam, and one of the first women to migrate to Madinah. She
was married to Ja`far ibn Abi Talib, then to Abu Bakr al-Siddiq, then
to `Ali, may Allah be pleased with them all. On one occasion, her two
sons Muhammad ibn Ja`far and Muhammad ibn Abi Bakr were competing
with one another, each of them saying. "I am better than you, and my
father is better than your father." `Ali said to her, "Judge between
them, O Asma'." She said, "I have never seen a young man among the
Arabs who was better than Ja`far, and I have never seen a mature man
who was better than Abu Bakr." `Ali said, "You have not left anything
for me. If you had said anything other than what you have said, I
would have hated you!" Asma' said: "These are the best three, and you
are one of them even if you are the least of them."44
What a clever and eloquent answer this wise woman gave! She gave each
of her three husbands the respect he deserved, and pleased `Ali, even
though he was the least of them, because she included all of them in
that group of the best.