Bismilah brothers and sisters,
Muslimah, you didn't talk too much. I think it is good to talk about these things. I was thinking yesterday after I wrote this, I really never had told any one about it.
My thoughts turned to my desperation. I think I drove my ex fiancee crazy and he didn't quiet undestand why I couldn't keep on living. He thought wasn't our relationship enough to live for. I was willing to even leave my brothers. I couldn't see any future for my self. I think the trial I went through was to find Islam. I remember kneeling on the ground (isn't nearly every convert neeling on the ground to find Allah. It is just ironic that a lost person finds that comfortable because when you pray to Allah your the closest to him on the ground when you pray.) So I am kneeling on the ground crying my heart out with a picture I drew of heaven. Now as christian I didn't know the rulings on suicide. So I was praying to God saying please let me die, please tell me if this is worng what I am doing. I would look at my picture of heaven and knew I wanted to go there not leave this world and go to a worse place. I asked God to take the pain away to HELP ME. I remember saying to God if you sent Jesus to save us from our sins then it will be okay to do what I am doing. But in my heart of hearts I knew it was wrong and that day I questioned JESUS SAVING OUR SINS. I knew it was all too simple. (I don't know why I am telling this story but Muslimah has started me off. Since as a Muslim we see things in a diffrent light.) Any way as you see I didn't do anything. But I started to question my religion. I remember doing a monologue for acting school and ironic enough this is what the teacher picked for me. It went like this-
" ....(I taking this down from memory) Once you die you can't say sorry this isn't the God I beleive in My God is a loving, a kind gentle God. You F up and now you are going to suffer for ever for it."
It really spoke to me at that time as what about if i picked the wrong GOD? Any who I meet four men in my life that were Muslims, I wasn't involved with them, I worked with them a various places in my career. The first guy I meet he was my boss and he had a daughter who was Muslim as well. I thought they were crazy praying 5 times a day. Maybe after a week of working there that is why I left that employment or maybe cause it wasn't my line of work to be in. The 2nd guy was actually my girlfriend boyfriend, friend and we caught the train together. (I know my galfriend boyfirend was doing something very harram now.) I asked him what Muslims beleive in and he told me about the Qu'ran. I brushed him off as I thought what THE. The second guy was so pleasent and he use to talk about Islam and his children to everyone. The third guy was my boss but when he had to shut down he shop for Eid I quizzed him. Then because of all the media hype I wanted to know more. I read books and bought the Qu'ran. I knew this was for me. So I took my shadha 2004.
Any way I chose a WAY OF LIFE. Now I see things in a diffrent light. I am looking forward to the furture. Of getting married, having children, teaching children etc. I know Allah sent me along this path for a reason. In that desperate hour of need he heard me and put people in my way that were willing to talk about there religion. Since I have left all these various places of work, I don't talk to these people any more. But I am glad they showed me what Islam was. As it is a WAY OF LIFE.
I think as Muslims we have the responsibility of showing other people the way by the way we act & by answering their questions.
Wasalam
Alliex
(Sorry this was so long. I think u may have got my point that yes Muslims do see things in a diffrent light.)
(Sorry I went off the subject of wishing death.)
