07-08-2004, 08:43 AM
Quote: Hi everyone,
It's my first time to this website, though not my first to any islam websites. So for that, please accept my warmest "May be the peace and blessings of God be upon you" (Assalam ulaikum) to everyone.
This is the first time I've posted any sort of request for help on any forum, I thought of emailing the webmaster here but I'm sure she's very busy and wouldn't it be all the more better to share my problem with all you good ladies (i do need all the help i can get really).
I'm a shy person in real life, I hardly go out and I'm too embarrassed to talk about marriage problems with anyone apart from my family and husband. Moreover, I come from a broken family, though I do keep in touch with both my parents to keep that family bond going. But what I'm trying to say is, I've never really experienced or seen a marriage within my household, so I'm a little naive to know what is right and wrong in a marriage (both my parents divorced when I was 5).
I was not religious (but not wild either) when I met my (now) husband. We met at university and engaged in a forbidden relationship. We were dating for about a year until we decided to "nikah". We both come from different countries, and in his country, a nikah is not considered as a real marriage by law (until the marriage registry is signed). But we just nikah, and we and our families at the time (while preparing for formal wedding) only cared about not committing sins in the eyes of God.
It was at that time (around last year) that I somehow got more turned on in getting to know Islam. I was born Muslim, I pray sometimes, but never took it seriously. But since being 'nikah-ed' I really took my wife role seriously and wanted to be a good wife and a good Muslim. I am now a practising Muslim (Alhamdulillah), I think I've read over a dozen books on Islam on various aspects. However, there is one problem...
My husband doesn't appreciate it.. Well not appreciate in the sense I want him to compliment me, no, arrogance is a sin. What I mean is appreciate in the sense of acknowledging.. because he still doesn't believe I have changed.
My husband is a good-hearted man with unfortunately deep insecurities and uncontrollable anger. He first hit me 3 months after we started dating, and has continued to do so until recently when I told him I want a divorce. He rages when I get on the internet, talk on the phone - he get suspicious of everything I do. He would start accusing me a prostitute (simply because I get phone calls from people who happen to be men in same company I work in), and accuses me that I'm just pretending to be praying when I am actually praying, accuses with all sorts of things, like I would treat any other man exactly the same way when I was with him (that was before I became a reborn Muslim)
I have been patient with him (a year without being married, and a year with him as a husband), and I just don't know what to do. He tells me to shut up when I try to voice out my feelings or advise him. I don't know anymore who was it I fell in love with, and I'm not sure this is the husband, the protector I want for myself and for my future children. He doesn't just accuse, he lies, he restricts my freedom (let me remind you again I rarely rarely go out unless it's to work, and I don't have that many friends left either).
Sometimes I feel God is punishing me for my ill-doings in the past, and sometimes I wish I had chosen a good Muslim for a man, who'd pray with me instead of hitting me when I wake him for morning prayer.
It doesn't stop there. He worked for my mom's company and because of his temper, a lot of people resigned and problems occured that now my mom has lost her company. And my mom hates to see the bruises on my body (who can blame her?). To make situation worse, his family visited us 2 months ago and my mom told them to advise my husband to control his temper. He told his parents that my mom was making it up... So all in all, my mom is not talking to him now, and he won't talk to my mom unless my mom talks to him first (i think it's about ego). And I'm left in the middle of a painful marriage and feeling guilty towards my mom's sadness.
I don't know if I should be patient any longer. I can forgive him but since I was a child I have vowed not to ever get divorced like my parents did (and on that note, my husband many times commented that my mom got divorced because she wasn't a good wife, and that I may inherit those bad genes). I've never been married before, I'm 26, really wanting to build on my life, and a beautiful family I have been planning on the last year.. But what do I do now?
I have told him that I want a divorce, that I don't hate him, I forgive him but it's better for us to be two people apart and happy than two people miserable under one roof. But, I know that the divorce (when he utters it 3 times) would not be legit if he doesn't mean it (since I'm kind of forcing him to) and I feel like I'm being a sinful wife right now simply because I'm giving up the marriage. Now he says he wants to change, just like how he did many times before.. But I don't know what to believe anymore.
I'm sorry it's a long story, even then, I've summarised it all. I really do thank you to those who took the time to read my story.
p/s:
To the 16-year old lady (sorry forgot your name) who made the last post: Please sister, don't end up like me. When I met my husband as a classmate and even when we were dating, he was the sweetest and gentlest man I thought I knew.
Wassalam.
My deep heartfelt condolences go out to you sister, and I ask Allah to ease your pain and to put a swift end to your difficulties.
Allah has commanded husbands to be gentle and treat their wives like precious pearls not hit them for gods sake, astaqfuruAllah.
Try sitting down with your husband and Tell him, If he really wants you to stay married to him or be around for that matter at all, he has to start treating you like he is supposed to Islamically. About the men who call you, to clear the suspicion and confusion what if you ask them no to call you at all? "You can only change what you can control ".
You'lll be in my prayers Sister.