06-16-2004, 06:24 AM
Culture Clash
Many female converts to Islam marry brothers who were born and raised as Muslims. Almost all of these brothers are from another culture, usually Arabic, Iranian, or Indo-Pakistani. A lot of sisters have a dreamy romantic picture of an exotic cross-culture marriage. The reality can be stressful and confusing. While brothers from these countries are often somewhat (though not overly) familiar with American culture, American women are often completely unfamiliar with their new husband's culture, what is expected of women, what is expected of men, and so on. When you marry a man from another culture, the package comes with both good and bad elements. You may not get an opportunity to avoid negative things in the person's culture, especially if you have not educated yourself about them first.
It is also a fact that sometimes, men from these countries (ie, born and raised Muslim in Muslim countries) may not be practicing Muslims or even very good people. A man's religious practice, not his ethnic or national origin, or the religion of his parents and family, should be your highest consideration when you are meeting someone for marriage.
If you are considering marrying someone from another culture, you might want to find out if there are other Western Muslimas in your area married to men from that country. You might also find e-mail support lists for American / Western Muslimas married to Arabs, Indo-Paks, Iranians, and so on. My general advice is that you don't take advice from non Muslim women who have divorced men from another culture. Stick to the advice and listen to the experiences of Muslim women who are married or have been married to men from that country.
Although it might sound cheesy, you can also go to your library and try to find travel books, memoirs, novels, and non fiction books about your potential husband's culture (although you should be appropriately wary of anything written by non Muslim Western journalists). If it is possible, visit sisters from his country and learn how they conduct themselves. Your potential husband might know that he is marrying an American, but he may expect you to conduct yourself according to his culture later, especially when his parents are around.
Cross-cultural marriages can be very loving and beneficial, but the couple has to make Islam the foundation of their marriage, and the "resolver" of their conflicts. Go into the marriage expecting to hit rough spots, eat food that grosses you out, and get into awkward social situations. If you keep your 'iman and your sense of humor about you, you'll both pull through it fine, insha'Allah.