She is obedient to her husband

[Muslimah]

She is obedient to her husband

and shows him respect

The true Muslim woman is always obedient to her husband, provided

that no sin is involved. She is respectful towards him and is always

eager to please him and make him happy. If he is poor, she does not

complain about his being unable to spend much. She does not complain

about her housework, because she remembers that many of the virtuous

women in Islamic history set an example of patience, goodness and a

positive attitude in serving their husbands and taking care of their

homes despite the poverty and hardships they faced. One of the

foremost of these exemplary wives is Fatimah al-Zahra', the daughter

of Muhammad and the wife of `Ali ibn Abi Talib (RAA). She used to

complain of the pain in her hands caused by grinding grain with the

hand-mill. Her husband `Ali ibn Abi Talib said to her one day, "Your

father has brought some female slaves, so go and ask him for one of

them to come and serve you." She went to her father, but she felt too

shy to ask him for what she wanted. `Ali went and asked him to

provide a servant for his beloved daughter, but the Prophet could

not respond to those who most dear to him whilst ignoring the needs

of the poor among the Muslims, so he came to his daughter and her

husband and said: "Shall I not teach you something that is better

than that for which you asked me? When you go to bed at night, say

`Subhan Allah' thirty-three times, `Al-hamdu lillah' thirty-three

times, and `Allahu akbar' thirty-four times. This is better for you

than a servant."

Then he bid them farewell and left, after inin them this divine help

which would make them forget their tiredness and help them to

overcome their exhaustion.

`Ali (RAA) began to repeat the words that the Prophet had taught

him. He said, "I never stopped doing that after he had taught me

these words." One of his companions asked him, "Not even on the night

of Siffin?" He said, "Not even on the night of Siffin."8

Asma' bint Abi Bakr al-Siddiq served her husband al-Zubayr, and took

care of the house. Her husband had a horse, which she took care of,

feeding it and exercising it. She also repaired the water-bucket,

made bread, and carried dates on her head from far away. Al-Bukhaari

and Muslim report this in her own words:

"Al-Zubayr married me, and he had no wealth, no slaves, nothing

except his horse. I used to feed his horse, looking after it and

exercising it. I crushed date-stones to feed his camel. I used to

bring water and repair the bucket, and I used to make bread but I

could not bake it, so some of my Ansari neighbours, who were kind

women, used to bake it for me. I used to carry the dates from the

garden that the Prophet had given to al-Zubayr on my head, and this

garden was two-thirds of a farsakh away. One day I was coming back

with the dates on my head. I met the Messenger of Allah, who had a

group of his Companions with him. He called me, then told his camel

to sit down so that I could ride behind him. I told (al-Zubayr), `I

felt shy, because I know that you are a jealous man.' He said, `It is

worse for me to see you carrying the dates on your head than to see

you riding behind him.' Later, Abu Bakr sent me a servant, who

relieved me of having to take care of the horse; it was as if I had

been released from slavery."9

The true Muslim woman devotes herself to taking care of her house and

husband. She knows her husband's rights over her, and how great they

are, as was confirmed by the Prophet's words:

"No human being is permitted to prostrate to another, but if this

were permitted I would have ordered wives to prostrate to their

husbands, because of the greatness of the rights they have over

them."10

And:

"If I were to order anyone to prostrate to anyone else, I would have

ordered women to prostrate to their husbands."11

`A'ishah (May Allah be pleased with her) asked the Messenger of

Allah : "Who has the greatest rights over a woman?" He said, "Her

husband." She asked, `And who has the greatest rights over a man?" He

said, "His mother."12

A woman came to ask the Prophet about some matter, and when he had

dealt with it, he asked her, "Do you have a husband?" She

said, "Yes." He asked her, "How are you with him?" She said, "I never

fall short in my duties, except for that which is beyond me." He

said, "Pay attention to how you treat him, for he is your Paradise

and your Hell."13

How can the Muslim woman complain about taking care of her house and

husband when she hears these words of Prophetic guidance? She should

fulfil her household duties and take care of her husband in a spirit

of joy, because she is not carrying a tiresome burden, she is doing

work in her home that she knows will bring reward from Allah

(subhaanahu wa 'ta'aalaa).

The Sahabah, may Allah (subhaanahu wa 'ta'aalaa) be pleased with

them, and those who followed them understood this Islamic teaching

and transmitted it from the Prophet . When a bride was prepared for

marriage, she would be told to serve her husband and take care of his

rights. Thus the Muslim woman knew her duties towards her husband,

and down through the ages caring for her husband and being a good

wife were established womanly attributes. One example of this is what

was said by the faqih al-Hanbali ibn al-Jawzi in his book Ahkam al-

Nisa' (p. 331): In the second century AH there was a righteous man

called Shu`ayb ibn Harb, who used to fast and spend his nights in

prayer. He wanted to marry a woman, and told her humbly, "I am a bad-

tempered man." She replied, tactfully and cleverly, "The one who

makes you lose your temper is worse than you." He realized that there

stood before him a woman who was intelligent, wise and mature. He

immediately said to her, "You will be my wife."

This woman had a clear understanding of how to be a good wife, which

confirmed to the man who had come to seek her hand that she was a

woman who would understand the psychology and nature of her husband

and would know what would please him and what would make him angry;

she would be able to win his heart and earn his admiration and

respect, and would close the door to every possible source of

conflict that could disrupt their married life. The woman who does

not understand these realities does not deserve to be a successful

wife; through her ignorance and shortcomings she may provoke her

husband to lose his temper, in which case, she would be worse than

him, for being the direct cause of his anger.

The tactful Muslim woman is never like this. She helps her husband to

be of good character, by displaying different types of intelligence,

cleverness and alertness in the way she deals with him. This opens

his heart to her and makes him fond of her, because being a good wife

is a not only a quality that she may boast about among her friends,

but it is also a religious obligation for which Allah (subhaanahu

wa 'ta'aalaa) will call her to account: if she has done well, she

will be rewarded, but if she has fallen short she will have to pay

the penalty.

One of the most important ways in which the Muslim woman obeys her

husband is by respecting his wishes with regard to the permissible

pleasures of daily life, such as social visits, food, dress, speech,

etc. The more she responds to his wishes in such matters, the happier

and more enjoyable the couple's life becomes, and the closer it is to

the spirit and teachings of Islam.

The Muslim woman does not forget that her obedience to her husband is

one of the things that may lead her to Paradise, as the Prophet

said:

"If a woman prays her five daily prayers, fasts her month (of

Ramadan), obeys her husband and guards her chastity, then it will be

said to her: `Enter Paradise by whichever of its gates you wish.'"14

Umm Salamah (May Allah be pleased with her) said:

"The Messenger of Allah said: `Any woman who dies, and her husband

is pleased with her, will enter Paradise.'"15

The Prophet draw a clear and delightful picture of the well-behaved,

easy-going, loving, righteous Muslim wife, one who will be happy in

this world and the next:

"Shall I not tell you about your wives in Paradise?" We said, "Of

course, O Messenger of Allah." He said, "They are fertile and loving.

If she becomes angry or is mistreated, or her husband becomes angry,

she says, `My hand is in your hand; I shall never sleep until you are

pleased with me.'"16

The true Muslim woman knows that Islam, which has multiplied her

reward for obeying her husband and made it a means of her admittance

to Paradise, has also warned every woman who deviates from the path

of marital obedience and neglects to take care of her husband, that

she will be guilty of sin, and will incur the wrath and curses of the

angels.

Al-Bukhaari and Muslim report from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet

said:

"If a man calls his wife to his bed and she does not come, and he

goes to sleep angry with her, the angels will curse her until the

morning."17

Muslim reports from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet said Imam:

"By the One in Whose hand is my soul, there is no man who calls his

wife to his bed, and she refuses him, but the One Who is in heaven

will be angry with her, until the husband is pleased with her once

more."18

The angels' curse will befall every woman who is rebellious and

disobedient; this does not exclude those who are too slow and

reluctant to respond to their husbands:

"Allah (subhaanahu wa 'ta'aalaa) will curse those procrastinating

women who, when their husbands call them to their beds, say `I will,

I will . . .' until he falls asleep." 19

Marriage in Islam is intended to protect the chastity of men and

women alike, therefore it is the woman's duty to respond to her

husband's requests for conjugal relations. She should not givsilly

excuses and try to avoid it. For this reason, several hadith urge a

wife to respond to her husband's needs as much as she is able, no

matter how busy she may be or whatever obstacles there may be, so

long as there is no urgent or unavoidable reason not to do so.

In one of these hadith, the Prophet said:

"If a man calls his wife to his bed, let her respond, even if she is

riding her camel [i.e., very busy]."20

And:

"If a man calls his wife, then let her come, even if she is busy at

the oven."21

The issue of protecting a man's chastity and keeping him away from

temptation is more important than anything else that a woman can do,

because Islam wants men and women alike to live in an environment

which is entirely pure and free from any motive of fitnah or haram

pleasures. The flames of sexual desire and thoughts of pursuing them

through haram means can only be extinguished by means of discharging

that natural energy in natural and lawful ways. This is what the

Prophet meant in the hadith narrated by Muslim from Jabir:

"If anyone of you is attracted to a woman, let him go to his wife and

have intercourse with her, for that will calm him down."22

The warning given to the woman whose husband is angry with her

reaches such an extent that it would shake the conscience of every

righteous wife who has faith in Allah (subhaanahu wa 'ta'aalaa) and

the Last Day: she is told that her prayer and good deeds will not be

accepted, until her husband is pleased with her again. This is stated

in the hadith narrated by Jabir from `Abdullah:

"The Messenger of Allah said: `There are three people whose prayers

will not be accepted, neither their good works: a disobedient slave

until he returns to his masters and puts his hand in theirs; a woman

whose husband is angry with her, until he is pleased with her again;

and the drunkard, until he becomes sober.'"23

When these hadith refer to the husband being angry with his wife,

they refer to cases in which the husband is right and the wife is

wrong. When the opposite is the case, and the husband is wrong, then

his anger has no negative implications for her; in fact, Allah

(subhaanahu wa 'ta'aalaa) will reward the wife for her patience. But

the wife is still required to obey her husband, so long as no sin is

involved, because there should be no obedience to a created being if

it entails disobedience to the Creator. Concerning this, the Prophet

said:

"It is not permitted for a woman who believes in Allah (subhaanahu

wa 'ta'aalaa) to allow anyone into her husband's house whom he

dislikes; or to go out when he does not want her to; or to obey

anyone else against him; or to forsake his bed; or to hit him. If he

is wrong, then let her come to him until he is pleased with her, and

if he accepts her then all is well, Allah (subhaanahu wa 'ta'aalaa)

will accept her deeds and make her position stronger, and there will

be no sin on her. If he does not accept her, then at least she will

have done her best and excused herself in the sight of Allah

(subhaanahu wa 'ta'aalaa)."24.

Another aspect of wifely obedience is that she should not fast at

times other than Ramadan except with his permission, that she should

not allow anyone to enter his house without his permission, and that

she should not spend any of his earnings without his permission. If

she spends anything without him having told her to do so, then half

of the reward for that spending will be given to him. The true Muslim

woman takes heed of this teaching which was stated by the Prophet in

the hadith:

"It is not permitted for a woman to fast when her husband is present,

except with his permission; or to allow anyone into his house except

with his permission; or to spend any of his earnings unless he has

told her to do so, otherwise half of the reward will be given to

him."25

According to a report given by Muslim, he said:

"A woman should not fast if her husband is present, except with his

permission. She should not allow anyone to enter his house when he is

present without his permission. Whatever she spends of his wealth

without him having told her to do so, half of the reward for it will

be given to him."26

The point here is the permission of the husband. If a wife gives some

of his money in voluntary charity without his permission, then she

will not receive any reward; on the contrary, it will be recorded as

a sin on her part. If she wants to spend in his absence, and she

knows that if he knew about it he would give his permission, then she

is allowed to do so, otherwise it is not permitted.

Mutual understanding and harmony between husband and wife cannot be

achieved unless there is understanding between them on such matters,

so that neither of them will fall into such errors and troubles as

may damage the marriage which Islam has built on a basis of love and

mercy, and sought to maintain its purity, care and harmony.

If the husband is a miser, and spends too little on her and her

children, then she is allowed to spend as much as she needs from his

wealth on herself and her children, in moderation, without his

knowledge. The Prophet stated this to Hind bint `Utbah, the wife of

Abu Sufyan, when she came to him and said, "O Messenger of Allah, Abu

Sufyan is a stingy man. What he gives me is not enough for me and my

child, unless I take from him without his knowledge." He told

her, "Take what is enough for you and your child, in moderation."27

Thus Islam has made women responsible for good conduct in their

running of the household affairs.

The Muslim woman understands the responsibility that Islam has given

her, to take care of her husband's house and children by making her

a "shepherd" over her husband's house and children. She has been

specifically reminded of this responsibility in recognition of her

role, in the hadith in which the Prophet made every individual in

the Islamic society responsible for those under his or her authority

in such a way that no-one, man or woman, may evade responsibility:

"Each of you is a shepherd, and each is responsible for those under

his care. A ruler is a shepherd; a man is the shepherd of his family;

a woman is the shepherd of her husband's house and children. For each

of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for those under

his care."28

The true Muslim woman is always described as being loving towards her

children and caring towards her husband. These are two of the most

beautiful characteristics that a woman of any time or place may

possess. The Prophet praised these two characteristics, which were

embodied by the women of Quraysh, who represented the best women

among the Arabs in terms of loving their children, caring for their

husbands, respecting their rights and looking after their wealth with

care, honesty and wisdom:

"The best women who ride camels are the women of Quraysh. They are

the most compassionate towards their children when they are small,

and the most careful with regard to their husbands' wealth."29

This is a valuable testimony on the part of the Prophet , attesting

to the psychological and moral qualities of the women of Quraysh

which enhanced their beauty and virtue. This testimony respresents a

call to every Muslim woman to emulate the women of Quraysh in loving

her children and taking care of her husband. These two important

characteristics contribute to the success of a marriage, make

individuals and families happy, and help a society to advance.

It is a great honour for a woman to take care of her husband every

morning and evening, and wherever he goes, treating him with

gentleness and good manners which will fill his life with joy,

tranquillity and stability. Muslim women have the best example in

`A'ishah (May Allah be pleased with her), who used to accompany the

Prophet on Hajj, surrounding him with her care, putting perfume on

him with her own hands before he entered ihram, and after he finished

his ihram, before he performed tawaf al-ifadah.30 She chose for him

the best perfume that she could find. This is stated in a number of

sahih hadith reported by Al-Bukhaari and Muslim, for example:

"I applied perfume to the Messenger of Allah with myown hands before

he entered the state of ihram and when he concluded it before

circumambulating the House."31

"I applied perfume to the Messenger of Allah with these two hands of

mine when he entered ihram and when he concluded it, before he

performed tawaf," - and she spread her hands.32

`Urwah said:

"I asked `A'ishah, `With what did you perfume the Messenger of Allah

at the time when he entered ihram?' She said, `With the best of

perfume.'"33

According to another report also given by Muslim, `A'ishah said:

"I applied the best perfume I could find to the Messenger of Allah

before he entered ihram and when he concluded it, before he perfomed

tawaf al-ifadah."34

When the Prophet was in seclusion (i`tikaf), he would lean his head

towards `A'ishah, and she would comb and wash his hair. Al-Bukhaari

and Muslim both report this in sahih hadith narrated from `A'ishah

(May Allah be pleased with her), such as:

"When the Messenger of Allah was in i`tikaf, he inclined his head

towards me and I combed his hair, and he did not enter the house

except to answer the call of nature."35

"I used to wash the Prophet's head when I was menstruating."36

`Aishah urged women to take good care of their husbands and to

recognize the rights that their husbands had over them. She saw these

rights as being so great and so important that a woman was barely

qualified to wipe the dust from her husband's feet with her face, as

she stated: "O womenfolk, if you knew the rights that your husbands

have over you, every one of you would wipe the dust from her

husband's feet with her face."37

This is a vivid expression of the importance of the husband's rights

over his wife. `A'ishah wanted to bring this to women's attention, so

as to remove from the hearts of arrogant and stubborn women all those

harsh, obstinate feelings that all too often destroy a marriage and

turn it into a living hell.

Honouring and respecting one's husband is one of the characteristic

attitudes of this ummah. It is one of the good manners known at the

time of jahiliyyah that were endorsed by Islam and perpetuated by the

Arabs after they embraced Islam. Our Arab heritage is filled with

texts that eloquently describe the advice given by mothers to their

daughters, to care for, honour and respect their husbands; these

texts may be regarded as invaluable social documents.

One of the most famous and most beautiful of these texts was recorded

by `Abd al-Malik ibn `Umayr al-Qurashi, who was one of the

outstanding scholars of the second century AH. He quotes the words of

advice given by Umamah bint al-Harith, one of the most eloquent and

learned women, who was possessed of wisdom and great maturity, to her

daughter on the eve of her marriage. These beautiful words deserve to

be inscribed in golden ink.

`Abd al-Malik said: "When `Awf ibn Muhallim al-Shaybani, one of the

most highly respected leaders of the Arab nobility during the

jahiliyyah, married his daughter Umm Iyas to al-Harith ibn `Amr al-

Kindi, she was made ready to be taken to the groom, then her mother

Umamah came in to her, to advise her, and said:

`O my daughter, if it were deemed unnecessary to give you this advice

because of good manners and noble descent, then it would have been

unnecessary for you, because you possess these qualities, but it will

serve as a reminder to those who are forgetful, and will help those

who are wise.

`O my daughter, if a woman were able to do without a husband by

virtue of her father's wealth and her need for her father, then you

of all people would be most able to do without a husband, but women

were created for men just as men were created for them.

`O my daughter, you are about to leave the home in which you grew up,

where you first learned to walk, to go to a place you do not know, to

a companion with whom you are unfamiliar. By marrying you he has

become a master over you, so be like a servant to him, and he will

become like a servant to you.

`Take from me ten qualities, which will be a provision and a reminder

for you.

`The first and second of them are: be content in his company, and

listen to and obey him, for contentment brings peace of mind, and

listening to and obeying one's husband pleases Allah.

`The third and fourth of them are: make sure that you smell good and

look good; he should not see anything ugly in you, and he should not

smell anything but a pleasant smell from you. Kohl is the best kind

of beautification to be found, and water is better than the rarest

perfume.

`The fifth and the sixth of them are: prepare his food on time, and

keep quiet when he is asleep, for raging hunger is like a burning

flame, and disturbing his sleep will make him angry.

`The seventh and eighth of them are: take care of his servants (or

employees) and children, and take care of his wealth, for taking care

of his wealth shows that you appreciate him, and taking care of his

children and servants shows good management.

`The ninth and tenth of them are: never disclose any of his secrets,

and never disobey any of his orders, for if you disclose any of his

secrets you will never feel safe from his possible betrayal, and if

you disobey him, his heart will be filled with hatred towards you.

`Be careful, O my daughter, of showing joy in front of him when he is

upset, and do not show sorrow in front of him when he is happy,

because the former shows a lack of judgement, whilst the latter will

make him unhappy.

`Show him as much honour and respect as you can, and agree with him

as much as you can, so that he will enjoy your companionship and

conversation.

`Know, O my daughter, that you will not achieve what you would like

to until you put his pleasure before your own, and his wishes before

yours, in whatever you like and dislike. And may Allah (subhaanahu

wa 'ta'aalaa) choose what is best for you and protect you.'"38

She was taken to her husband, and the marriage was a great success;

she gave birth to kings who ruled after him.

This advice clearly included everything that one could think of as

regards the good manners that a young girl needs to know about in

order to treat her husband properly and be a suitable companion for

him. The words of this wise mother deserve to be taken as the

standard for every young girl who is about to get married.

If she is rich, the true Muslim woman does not let her wealth and

financial independence make her blind to the importance of respecting

her husband's rights over her. She still takes care of him and

honours him, no matter how rich she is or may become. She knows that

she is obliged to show gratitude to Allah for the blessings He has

bestowed upon her, so she increases her charitable giving for the

sake of Allah. The first person to whom she should give generously is

her own husband, if he is poor; in this case she will receive two

rewards, one for taking care of a family member, and another for

giving charity, as the Prophet stated in the hadith narrated by

Zaynab al-Thaqafiyyah, the wife of `Abdullah ibn Mas`ud (RAA):

"The Prophet told us: `O women, give in charity even if it is some

of your jewellery.' She said, `I went back to `Abdullah ibn Mas`ud

and told him. `You are a man of little wealth, and the Prophet has

commanded us to give charity, so go and ask him whether it is

permissible for me to give you charity. If it is, I will do so; if it

is not, I will give charity to someone else.' `Abdullah said, `No,

you go and ask.' So I went, and I found a woman of the Ansar at the

Prophet's door, who also had the question. We felt too shy to go in,

out of respect, so Bilal came out and we asked him, `Go and tell the

Messenger of Allah that there are two women at the door asking you:

Is it permissible for them to give sadaqah to their husbands and the

orphans in their care? But do not tell him who we are.' So Bilal went

in and conveyed this message to the Prophet , who asked, `Who are

they?' Bilal said, `One of the women of the Ansar, and Zaynab/' The

Prophet asked, `Which Zaynab is it?' Bilal said, `The wife of

`Abdullah.' The Prophet said: `They will have two rewards, the

reward for upholdithe relationship, and the reward for giving

charity.'"39 According to a report given by Al-Bukhaari, he

said, "Your husband and your child are more deserving of your

charity."40

The true Muslim woman is always careful to give thanks for Allah's

blessings if her life is easy, and she never loses her patience if

she encounters difficulty. She never forgets the warning that the

Prophet issued to women in general, when he saw that most of the

inhabitants of Hell will be women, and so she seeks refuge with Allah

from becoming one of them.

Al-Bukhaari and Muslim narrated from Ibn `Abbas (RAA) that the

Prophet said: "O women, give charity, for I have surely seen that

you form the majority of the inhabitants of Hell." They asked, `Why

is this so, O Messenger of Allah?" He said, "Because you curse too

much, and are ungrateful for good treatment (on the part of your

husbands)."41

According to another report given by Al-Bukhaari, he said, "because

they are ungrateful for good and kind treatment. Even if you treated

one of them (these ungrateful women) well for an entire lifetime,

then she saw one fault in you, she would say, `I have never seen

anything good from you!'"42

According to a report given by Ahmad, a man said, "O Messenger of

Allah, are they not our mothers and sisters and wives?" He said, "Of

course, but when they are treated generously they are ungrateful, and

when they are tested, they do not have patience."43

When the true Muslim woman thinks about these sahih hadith which

describe the fate of most women in the Hereafter, she is always on

the alert lest she fall into the sins of ingratitude towards her

husband, or frequent cursing, or denying her husband's good treatment

of her, or forgetting to give thanks for times of ease, or failing to

be patient at times of difficulty. In any case, she hastens to give

charity as the Prophet urged all women to do, in the hope that it

may save them from that awful fate which will befall most of those

women who deviate from truth and let trivial matters distract them

from remembering Allah (subhaanahu wa 'ta'aalaa) and the Last Day,

and whose bad qualities will ultimately lead them into the Fire of

Hell. The Muslim woman, on the other hand, sets the highest example

of respect towards one's husband and taking note of his good

qualities. This is the attitude of loyalty that befits the true

Muslim woman who respects her husband's rights and does not ignore

his virtues.

Muslim women's history is full of stories which reflect this loyalty

and recognition of the good qualities of the husband. One of these

stories is that of Asma' bint `Umays, who was one of the greatest

women in Islam, and one of the first women to migrate to Madinah. She

was married to Ja`far ibn Abi Talib, then to Abu Bakr al-Siddiq, then

to `Ali, may Allah be pleased with them all. On one occasion, her two

sons Muhammad ibn Ja`far and Muhammad ibn Abi Bakr were competing

with one another, each of them saying. "I am better than you, and my

father is better than your father." `Ali said to her, "Judge between

them, O Asma'." She said, "I have never seen a young man among the

Arabs who was better than Ja`far, and I have never seen a mature man

who was better than Abu Bakr." `Ali said, "You have not left anything

for me. If you had said anything other than what you have said, I

would have hated you!" Asma' said: "These are the best three, and you

are one of them even if you are the least of them."44

What a clever and eloquent answer this wise woman gave! She gave each

of her three husbands the respect he deserved, and pleased `Ali, even

though he was the least of them, because she included all of them in

that group of the best.