10-11-2003, 07:13 PM
Bismillah
As salam alaikum
My brother I do know how hard it is to live with such thoughts going through your head. I have had to live with the same thing my whole life. I do not like to talk about this but if it will help you then Alhamdulillah.
Ever since I can remember, even as a child, I have prayed for death. The deep sorrow and constant self hatred consumed my every being. Not a day would go by that I would not think of death and yearn for it. The thoughts in my head were a tape recorder playing the same thing over and over, saying, "You are worthless. No one cares for you. You are stupid and ugly. You are better off dead. Kill yourself. Do it. Do it! DO IT!"
These thoughts can be so overwhelming and can drain every bit of energy from you. They can leave you feeling like doing nothing but lay around feeling sorry for yourself.
I finally could not take it any more. I had to seek help as you have done, mash'Allah. The level of self hatred and despair that I had required professional help. I was very reluctant to get it because in America it seems as everyone is over medicated.
When I finally went to a doctor and got help, I was diagnosed with chronic depression, not the kind where you feel bad for a couple of weeks. That is just a part of life. But I never felt any joy or happiness due to a chemical imbalance in my brain.
I also had to stop letting my thoughts control my life. You have to ask the help of Allah to help rid you of these. Tell them to shut up and that they are not true. It sounds funny but it helped me shut off the destructive tape recorder in my head.
I am not telling you to get on medication but I am saying that you have to take steps to get better.
I remember a hadith that goes (Allah forgive me for the lack of exact wording):
A man was late to prayer at the mosque so he jumped off his camel and ran inside. After the prayer the man discovered that his camel had run off. The man went to Rasul-Ullah and said, "Oh Messenger of Allah, I was runnning late for prayer and asked Allah to take care of my camel and the camel ran off anyway." The Messenger of Allah asked, "Did you tie up your camel?" The man replied in the negative. Rasul-Ullah said, "First tie up your camels then ask Allah to protect them."
We as muslims and as an ummah must take the necessary steps to achieve our goals. We cannot sit around and pray for Allah to help us and not doing anything at all. The Companions did not sit in Medina and wait for Allah to conquer Arabia for them. This is the actions of the Jews in the Qur'an when they were commanded to fight and their reply was for God and Musa to go fight while they wait.
My brother if you truly want to stop feeling this way, you must take some steps also. Remember every step you take towards Allah, He takes two towards you. I cannot think of anything better for you to do right now then get past these feelings so you can worship Allah and fulfill your obligations as a muslim to the best of your ability.
Astafirghullah if I have taken too much space. Insha' Allah the pain that I have gone through can help you ease your's. May Allah forgive me. Any benefit from this is from Allah and all the faults are from myself. Astafirhgullah. Alhamdulillah.
Jazak Allah
As salam alaikum