09-20-2006, 02:46 PM
Salam alaikom,
My understanding is the purpose of the dowry is for the financial security of the woman, in case of divorce or God forbid her husband's death. The amount should be within the husband's means. Once given, the woman may use it as she likes.
I have heard of women asking for a lump sum, in any amount. I have also heard some great advice one sister gave another to ask for 1% of her husband's monthly salary. It doesn't sound like much, but over time it adds up. Plus whenever he gets a raise, so do you ;)
There are of course stories and even hadiths about women accepting memorization of Qur'an as a dowry. Certainly valid if the woman accepts it, but as far as I know it was accepted in the case of a very poor husband with nothing else to give. In the case of hajj as a dowry, in my opinion any Muslim man with a wife who has not been to hajj would certainly take her without it being a dowry.
I would recommend discussing your dowry (amount/item/whatever) and its purpose with your parents, imam, or wise sisters from your community in order to find what is right for you.
I <i>don't</i> recommend requesting a very small amount just because it feels weird asking for money. It is your right, and your husband's obligation, and it's for a reason -- so take it. (That said, Dan -- I think $3000 or $5000 is totally reasonable if it is within your means, when you consider it is meant to support your wife if she is on her own for some reason.)
The dowry is just another of the many ways Islam protects women, alhamdulillah.