My Journey Towards God.

[Mahasvapna]

Bismillah


salam Mahasvapna


Sorry for coming here again, but i thought this reply would be more relevant here.


After reading your response on the Gay Muslim thread, and making the connection with what u posted here about yourself. Never did u consider that such an inclination which actually opened up in you conincided with the rebel phase specially against the departure of your father, the objection to having a family of your own with your own naturally born chidlren lest you do the same to them. As u said, at the end of your stay with your father u were able to mend your wounds but not fully.


Havent u examined the possibility that it also conincided with the rebel phase towards the fear of God and that christianity teaches that this man is sitting there waiting for you to sin?


Well I can see a clear connection with all of that.


Again I will just stop here since i know how sensitive this matter is, I d never have discussed it in public unless u were open about it.


But I will give u another idea, do try and ask Allah's Guidnace on this, but when u do as I suggested before use those supplications i posted, also when u do, make sure that deep inside your heart u r only talking about the One Creator Who Created all without any contemplations on the other dieties or how can they achieve their specialities.


Just a thought.

Ah, beg pardon. As is the nature of most men, I tend to focus on the parts where I discovered Truth finally, rather than the parts where I wandered through illusions of Truth. It is easy to not mention all of your mistakes and wrong turns - we may agree, perhaps, that the moments of Truth, in the beginning, hardly match the long years of untruth.


In this matter my heart is always open. At this moment in my life, any kind of relationship is out of the question. I am far too busy to be thinking of a family just yet. I have enough trouble managing myself!


My mother offered me this opinion when she was ready to speak with me. She also suggested that my sexuality was just rebellion against something - certainly it is as we say, "in Vogue" to be at least sexually ambiguous in much of the western world. Everyone wants a cause...


However, rebellion is difficult. It is a blessing and a curse - without rebellion, the world would not progress, but in it's presence there is often much pain. Growth, seperation from the old, fear of the new, all of these things cause pain. Not Harm - there is a difference. Pain can heal as well, and we may well know that while God's plan for us often hurts our hearts or sometimes our bodies, that hurt teaches, rather than takes away.


Human nature, developement, change, is the same way. In fact there is a saying "As above, so below." It is the central tenet of the workers of miracles. What is above is also here, what is here is also above - they are not the same as we would define, the 'same' - look at two objects which are the same shape and we say this is the 'same' but really they are not; they are two different objects, with two different trajectories in the world, which in time will be exposed to very different paths. The world ABove is the same as the world Below, because it is in the same place. It is all around us, within us, throughout all of everything. What manifests in one will manifest in the other. most believe, hence the saying, that as things are Above, so shall they become Below. I would not say it here unless I had already seen it demonstrated in the world.


I digress... I mean to say only that as I have said before, we may know the nature of God as much as we may, by observing his will in this world and seeking the understanding of it. And so I have sought and observed his will in me. I already looked for rebellion as the source of my nature. For a while I thought it might be. But it was God that guided me away from those thoughts, healed my heart, and counseled me to have faith that he would guide me right if i was willing to walk on my own.


I have prayed with this supplication since you first mentioned it to me, and I must say that my mind is easily at peace with it. I do not know how it is done by most, but I tend to sing the supplication three or for times, and let the echoes in my head slowly fade to stillness - much as I would a mantra, but the arabic language is, I think, very easy and beautiful to sing, whereas Sanskrit is easily chanted, structured as it is like drumbeats.


The second or third time that I prayed this way, it came to me that I should meditate upon and connect to the supplication itself. What does it mean? As I have said before, the meaning seems obvious, but that is always misleading. What is Satan? What does protection constitute? If I know not these things, how can I know what I ask for? God may know what I SHOULD be asking for, but it is my own duty to discover that by his guidance. This is Seeking.


So, I let this 'germinate' in my mind then. Watched the world, I did, and have begun to form a deeper understanding of what Satan is, and what he is not.


There is the Will of God, encompassing all - to man, there is also Human Nature, seperate by perception only, but until the wall between yourself and God is gone, and unity is granted, that nature is yours and is seperate in practice if not in philosophy.


What could the one Goal of anyone wishing to break the faithful be? To put more distance between your Self and God. To trick you into making agreements, or replacing the ones you thought you had broken with new ones. Through hardship, through self-doubt, through the emotions which curb reason and faith.


So, when I sing these words, in my heart they have begun to mean, "God protect me from the source of Doubt, from that which would divide or weaken my faith, from all will which is not yours." Perhaps there is deeper meaning, in fact there undoubtedly is. But this is a beginning, and one must know oneself if one would know God.


It is a sensitive subject, but It is my responsibility to not only fully explore and understand my own views - and doing this through conversation and debate is, for me at least, perhaps the best way - in order to aquire wisdom and conviction. It is also my responsibility to present what I have learned to anyone and everyone able and willing to hear, if not listen. Because, perspective is the only way by which we are able to ultimately see the big picture. It is God who Allows this! But, he does not grant that sight to those who will not seek to look at what is there to be seen.


i will continue to pray, to seek guidance - I am not dead yet, and so all bets are still in the air, as far as I am concerned. I have thought many times before that sexuality is only an aspect of the attraction to anyone. And so I have in the past prayed to God - if your will is to show me, then i will keep my eyes and ears open. And I have met a girl before whom i felt a strong connection to. i do not know that I could love her the way she would want to be loved. She invoked in me a sense of stewardship at that time, cerainly love, but not the call to a foundation, to a family.


But, since then, I have always been open to such a change, if a change is what it would be. I see no reason that i really must abide by any agreement. I will simply love whom I will love - when it happens, I won't have a say in it anyway! Such is the nature of Love...


namaste


Mahasvapna