09-24-2005, 10:57 AM
I'd like to comment on this opening post to these forums "god has called me" what i wrote now just over a year ago, everytime i come back here and have a look what my old buddies are up to i always see this post pinned, hoping it will be taken down as now i no longer feel this way. Personally i can say it takes a lot of strength and courage to be as deep into Islam as i was, to then being brave enough to look at the religion from an honest perspective as i did. It was when i started to look into Islam from the outside that i saw the truth of the religion, something very hard to do when you are dazzled by a sudden beleif in creation from an athiest. My stunning realisation of Islam was really now looking back, just a realisation of God or creation.
My passion for Islam came from a fear of Allah, as all healthy Muslims are encoraged to have. This is why we pray five times, this is why we follow the Prophet Mohammed word for word, breath for breath etc. It's all to serve Allah and avoid Hellfire. Islam personally had me trapped in a sphere of fear of ending up in hell for questioning or even thinking that things didn't add up, or that there were errors or very unusual things in the Qur'an which i could never justify no matter how hard i tried. For example one of the many many things, and most difficult to explain for me, was God/Allah givng permission for one of his Prophets to "have sex" with female captives of war outside of marriage. Why would God do this? This was amongst around several hundred other massive problems i was coming across in Islam/Quran being the literal word of God etc. I began questioning passages including the slavery in the below link, i tried to justify it as best i could:
http://www.islamsms.com/bb//index.php?...opic=2507&st=20
As a practicing Muslim, your life centres around Allah and the Prophet Mohammed, we are taught to love The Prophet Mohammed more than our own families/children of course and second only to Allah. So asking questions outside of this realm of dedication to these two main pillars of our lives is seen as offensive.
When i returned to these Forums after tackling a whole heap of questions given to me by Chrisitans/Atheists/Hindus etc etc i was battling at the time and when these questions i were asking at this forum here were straying close to being offensive to Islam, some posters here turned on me sadly. I do not blame these people who turned on me, because they have the fear of Hellfire also, so anything that may pull them close to agreeing with a somewhat offensive view or question toward Islam, will cause that ever present fear of Allah rising within them, and they will respond to me negative, to save their own back from Allah so to speak. Here is the post i responded in on my return:
http://www.islamsms.com/bb//index.php?...opic=1907&st=40
Sometime after or around this post i spent time alone with Allah praying much for guidance, and one particular night i decided to ask Allah for truth to allow me to open my mind to the many faults and errors i see in the Qur'an, look at them truthfully and with an open mind. If Islam is the truth, i will come away from my in depth but most importantly HONEST study of the Qur'an, Hadith and Mohammed a stronger Muslim as i would have faced my concenrns HONESTLY something i know it is very very very hard to do as a Muslim, question your own religion.
Without going in to details after this in depth study, i found Islam to not be the word of God as i wanted to belive it was. This wanting to belive was almost soley through fear of hellfire if i DIDNT belive. Anyway I found Islam to be something else. Something i dont wish to discuss openly as i have too many (i hope i can still call) friends here who are Muslim. But they can PM or email me ANYTIME and we'll speak for days, im sure we've got loads to talk on!
At the moment because i live in a Muslim community in the UK, there are some who wish to carry out the Islamic ruling on an Apostate (one who leaves his religion) and have me killed (as the prophet Mohammed commanded) so i do live day to day with a certain degree of paranoia. (I've had death threat emails sent to my work etc, informing me i have three days to repent or i die) I also know i have given my home address to certain members on this board when i was Muslim so i have now moved address but could still be found i guess. This may seem a bit paranoid but less than a year ago even I MYSELF would have thought that the death scentence would have been correct for me, as this is what Mohammed said, this is a firm beleif in Islam and in an islamic state so there for "anyabwile" would have agreed with it. So i know how some people may feel and i know some of the more devout brothers/sisters may wish to carry that out or encourage it. I doubt things would get this bad for me but of course that threat is always there.
However i don't consider myself an apostate, as i now have a firm beleif in God, it's not the God Mohammed followed. It's not Jesus Christ or any written religion or anything. I simply am now at the point of solid beleif in creation. Which is something very powerful when this beleif hits you from being an Atheist, or even agnostic, i mistook this sudden beleif, for Allah calling me, which it wasn't, it was just a new beleif in creation/god/intelligent design etc.
Islam was very easy for me to fall into at the time what with my personal problems etc. My ex who i effectively left for Islam along with my daughter of 2 have now moved on elsewhere with someone else they are now happy. I see my daughter however so the relationship isnt as bad as it could have been, considering i did leave her for somethinG i now no longer belive in, even dislike. This i have to live with and its a constant pain but outside of that i'm living, survivng as we all do.
I will miss the brotherhood in Islam, although of course, they were only brothers with me, for the sake of Allah, not because they were true friends (something which i now belive is stronger) Anyone can love me because they want a reward from God when they die, but to be a friend just to be my friend? This is more powerful. The brothers i used to pray with no longer speak to me of course, and i understand, after attempting to bring me back to Islam, once they knew they had "lost" me i dont even get eye contact in the street. But this is fine, to be honest, there's not much we're gonna really be speaking about now is there. The latest rap CD'S?
I feel i want to apoligise to Shaunee the most, as i remember being one who was pushing her to leave her family for Islam as i did. Which im now finding out was the biggest mistake of my life. This is why i wish to apologise to Shaunee, theres nothing i can say in fact, i would just say stay deep in Islam, never look outside of what your Imam or other brothers and sisters tell you, and you may live a happy life, and die expecting Paradise, what could be better? This is advice i'd give to all Muslims to be honest, as the pain of discovering the truth once you really (HONESTLY) look for it, is immense.
Also sorry to Muslimah for what i feel would be seen from your perspective, as letting you down. Muslimah was like a mother to me who was only doing her Gods deeds, and if Allah did exist, he would be very very pleased with her, as with Dan, Intuition, Umm and all the other who supported me. Allah wont reward you for this, but God may well do, who knows.
Reading back on my battles with John Doe and Ronniv i hang my head in shame and can only apologise, i was doing something i thought at the time was right. Now looking back i can see how i'd fallen into the mode, the bubble i call it, the black painted bubble, you exist within it, but you can't see anything outside of it. I dont belive or follow any religions so i still cant relate to Ronni however theres things in Islam that once discovered as a practising Muslim who loves Mohammed and FEARS Allah, can cause upset and cause confusion unlike anything you would have previously known as a Muslim. These things are more disturbing than those in the religion Ronni follows, despite them both having their dark side.
I'd like to think by writing this those who feel the same can know there are others who were/are where they are feelings wise and it is possible to make that step, its just about being brave enough or wanting to. If you're happy in Islam and have no doubt or concerns then as long as you're not following Islam to the absoloute letter, or taking everything literal (Jihad etc) then carry on with it, why not. When i was a Muslim at the point before i started to question i was (or so i thought at the time) very happy with life as a Muslim. But i know certain members on this forum have similar concerns to me from PM conversations we had.
So i hope im still welcome to post now and then, of course i will avoid anything that offends my friends here as i know how i would have responded and did respond to certain things. Anything thats "touchy" im more than happy to speak with people either by PM or preferably at anyabwile@poetic.com Also anyone who feels like they want to speak on it also drop me a mail, trust me talking is good. As long as you pray hard and ask God/Allah for protection before speaking with me etc then rest assured you wont be guided wrong. I asked what i thought was Allah (but was more likely to be just God if anything) and i was guided correct. As i feel i can breath again, life is far from perfect but i can breath.
Before i became Muslim i never went for loads of girls, drink or anything like that, so life hasnt really changed much for me, just the gaping loss of my family but we all have problems many much much worse. Thats why i say if you're not sacrificing anything for Islam, then why not carry on, or even embrace it as long as you dont do so literally, but if you are sacrificing something important to be a Muslim, it will be the biggest mistake of your life when you "discover"
I hope this post isn't deleted by the Mods i think that would be a shame but i know this won't happen as theres no need to edit or delete it really, ive been very careful in my wording. Anyway, I think its best to end this loooong speech before i sound like even more of a self important big head, by saying God DID call me, but it wasn't Allah, it was simply beleif in an intelligent creator. But besides that, if you still want me...im back.