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My apologies to US members but pls read
#1

Bismillah


as salam alykom


I received this on an email couldnt help but to share it here, [img]style_emoticons/default/smile.gif[/img][img]style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif[/img][img]style_emoticons/default/smile.gif[/img][img]style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif[/img]


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Please be patient enough to read this...it's hilariuous!!!


Fawlty Towers, Torquay, Devon, England


NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE


To the citizens of the United States of America,


In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and


thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your


independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II


will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other


territories except Utah, which she does not fancy.


Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the


97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world


outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need


for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A


questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you


noticed.


To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following


rules are introduced with immediate effect:


1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then


look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at


just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be


reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter


'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn


to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your


love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the


suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise".


You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g.


Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you


can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your


vocabulary to acceptable levels.


Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with


filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and


inefficient form of communication.


Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry


Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then


you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary


then you won't have to use bad language as often.


2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on


your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account


of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".


3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It


really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,


upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to


learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as


"Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking


about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in


England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it


Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g.


Texasshire,


Floridashire,


Louisianashire.


4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the


good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play


English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red


Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American


audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political


incorrectness.


5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",


but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get


confused and give up half way through.


6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of


football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good


game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your


borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You


will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper


football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is


a difficult game.


Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which


is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a


rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like


nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by


2005.


You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event


called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of


America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond


your borders, your error is understandable! Instead of baseball, you will


be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball


without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.


7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer


be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a


vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to


handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish


to carry a vegetable peeler in public.


8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new


national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".


9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your


own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.


All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start


driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go


metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion


tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British


sense of humour.


10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French Fries


are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian - although


we realise 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in


Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist


on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick


cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is


beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to


be more aggressive with customers.


11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all


tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be


doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.


12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually


beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter


will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted


provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known


as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's


Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser


company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's


Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000


years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.


13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you


will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the


former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA


and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US


gallon - get used to it).


14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers


or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows


that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be


handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without


suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough


to handle a gun.


15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.


16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly


to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).


Thank you for your co-operation

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#2

OMG>>>


SOOO FUNNYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY


sorry all american frenz... jus a lil harmless fun..


salaamz

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