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An excellent piece on poylgyny - Muslimah - 05-15-2005
Bismillah
as salam alykom I found this on another fourm I really though I must share it with u all my dear sisters
The fact that it is a brother's thoughts makes it really something
At first I posted at banat (the girls only room) then I thought that all members must have a chance to read it.
May Allah Allow us all to benefit
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Living with the Illness
By Abu Muhammad
Webster’s dictionary defines a disease as an abnormal
condition of an organism or part that impairs normal
physiological functioning, especially as a result of
infection, inherent weakness, or environmental
stress-and a condition or tendency, as a society,
regarded as abnormal and harmful.
"I have been cured of that disease." Those words ring
in my ears continuously, haunting me ever since one of
my best friends in the world said them to me a couple
of years ago. This disease has caused me a lot of
anxiety in the last month or so. I think it is the
root of my recent visit to the doctor’s office with a
migraine brought on by my blood pressure being
147/110. Maybe it is not the disease, but the stress
of having to tell my wife of 13 years that I have it.
I still remember the first time I saw her. We were not
Muslims then, and for me, it was love at first sight.
Love at first sight seems to be somewhat of a myth,
but I distinctively remember seeing her for the first
time in September of 1990. I remember she was engaged
to be married to another guy; I could see the humility
in her face, in her walk, in her eyes-in spite of the
fact that she was very beautiful. I remember saying a
prayer that night. I remember saying, "God (I called
Him God back then. It wasn’t until 6 years later that
I learned His name is Allah), please, if you can send
me a woman like her, I would be truly grateful."
So it was-the supplication; from a sincere heart to my
Lord. About a year later, I met her. She and her
fiancé broke-up about a week before. Eight months
later, she and I were married-the woman of my dreams,
and she still is. This gift from my Lord was just one
of the many supplications of mine that were answered.
I have truly been blessed by Him through her-and I
mean that from the depths of my soul. I owe my
position, my strength, my achievements, my wonderful,
well-behaved, intelligent children to her presence in
my life; Alhamdulillah. Now all of that is threatened.
I have to tell her that I have the disease.
She and I have been through so much, and Allah Ta’ala
has kept us together, has kept her strong. She IS the
strongest woman I know. I feel that through her is how
Allah Ta’ala has blessed me, and my family, and
without her I will be lost. I truly believe that. When
I think of hurting her it pains me tremendously.
Sincerely, it hurts me. I am scared. I am scared of
losing her. But I do fear Allah more. I pray Allah has
mercy on us and makes it easy. You pray for us also
please.
Why me? Ya Allah, why me? The Muslim ummah today has
so few of us that are unfortunate enough to be
inflicted with this disease, and it has caused the
destruction of many families. In my humble opinion,
this destruction has occurred because those inflicted
did not take it seriously enough. The destruction is
rarely caused by the disease itself. Nevertheless, it
is very serious to me-so here I am-resorting to
expressing my thoughts, my pains, my anxiety on this
paper, instead of to the one whom I should be able to
discuss everything with. I fear that my partner, my
best friend, my foundation in this dunya will never
forgive me.
"I have been cured of that disease." (echoes)
There was another Muslim man who had a very strong
influence on my development as a Muslim. This brother,
my uncle in Islam, taught me many things, and through
his guidance, I grew and stayed focused on
Ahl-ul-Sunnah. Alhamdulillah. I remember he talked
about this disease to me once. It was the only time we
ever discussed it. It was a brief conversation that
also stuck with me, chiming in my ears since the first
days of my Shahadah in 1996. Concerning this disease
(he didn’t refer to it as a disease then), he said
that it makes the Muslims look bad in the eyes of the
people we are trying to give daw’ah to (i.e.
Americans). Another weight! Ya Allah! I don’t want to
make the Muslims look bad.
I just talked to my wife today. It is March 18, 2005,
and it has been the middle of December 2004 since I
have seen my family and held them and kissed them. I
talk to them at least twice every day on the phone. I
had a long conversation with her and I was brought to
tears while telling her how much I love her and how
much she means to me. In my heart and in my mind,
there is not a woman that can fill her shoes, or can
replace the love and respect that I have for her-the
respect as a Muslimah, as a woman, as a wife, and as a
mother. I told her all of that.
"I have been cured of that disease." (echoes)
So here I am. A Muslim man, a Muslim husband, and a
Muslim father, and I just got married again on March
21st, 2005. The disease has caught hold of me and it
will affect me the rest of my life. Why me? What makes
me think that I am so special that I can or should do
this? Why me when no one else that I know has done it?
So what Allah has made it permissible! So what it is a
Sunnah of Rasulullah (saw)! Just because it is
permissible, and just because it is a Sunnah, doesn’t
mean that I, ME of all people, should make it a part
of my life. I have heard many brothers say, "It is the
Sunnah." They would say it with no real understanding
of the concept; as if it was as easy has entering the
bathroom with the left foot. It is almost like their
excuse to practice it.
My dear brother who coined the _expression, "I have
been cured of that disease" explained to me how he
became cured. Apparently, after or during a failed
attempt to marry another lady, his wife listed some of
the things he was deficient in as a Muslim, husband,
and a father. Armed with the knowledge and
understanding that he was not the great person he
thought he was, and that he was just an average
husband (my addition), he realized that he needed to
improve himself in these aspects before he could
consider taking another wife. If he was not the
perfect Muslim man, Muslim husband, or Muslim father,
how could he possibly think he could succeed with
another wife, another family? I guess he is trying to
attain the level of the sahabah (ra). Hey, good luck
with that akh (short for akhi).
So now the question comes to me. How can I justify
marrying another woman after all my wife has been
through and done for me? How can I justify marrying
another woman after knowing all of my imperfections?
How can I justify marrying another woman while my wife
is at home raising our three sons? She teaches them
through a home-school curriculum. She does this all by
herself. She does this by herself because I am away
working in another country. Even when I was home, she
did all of the things related to the home on her
own-and this is how I repay her! I feel ungrateful. I
feel depressed. I feel sad. Now I have to deal with
this and I need Allah Ta’ala to provide me with the
strength, the patience, and the wisdom to be
successful and guide my family and now families
through the turmoil that is at hand. Is it supposed to
be like this?
"I have been cured of that disease." (echoes)
For now, I must wrestle with all of these emotions
bottled up. I feel I can’t discuss these issues with
anyone, because the disease is too taboo. I feel like
I am doing something wrong. I am afraid of being
ostracized. I am afraid of being looked at as
insensitive and cruel. I am afraid of being looked at
as an ingrate. I am afraid that my wife will be
ashamed to show her face outside again because her
husband has that disease we all fear.
I remember we (us brothers) used to talk and joke
about it frequently. We knew in our minds that the
possibility of one of us having more than one wife was
slim to none. You know non-Muslims like to joke about
it too. HaHa! "You Muslims can have 12 wives!" HaHa!
When we used to joke about it, it was always in the
parameters of Islam, and almost always ends with, "My
wife would kill me!"
I had formed my impression that Muslim men had become
so weak that they are afraid of their wives. For many
years I have seen rich Muslims in their huge mansions,
and only one wife, while there were sisters in the
same community on food stamps and welfare trying to
survive and keep their iman in check. I would cry
sometimes reflecting on their situations. I justly
concluded that this was due to the husbands being
afraid of their wives. I didn’t understand how this
could be. One of the reasons I came to Islam is
because it had all the answers to every predicament
and hardship in life. Then I learned there is a
difference between Islam and Muslims. I digress.
I think in the past, when I had made attempts at
polygyny, deep down I knew it would not come to pass.
I think that is why I probably was so stubborn about
it. I was not afraid of my wife and no one could say I
was! Now, that it is not only plausible, but Allah had
made it very, very easy for me to marry again in a
time when I truly needed it, it seems too real-almost
surreal. Financially, my wife will not know the
difference one way or the other. She won’t feel the
affects of another wife at all in that respect. I
would be married for two months before I tell her. She
might notice an increase of attention and affection
that I give to her. I think it is because now that I
have another wife, I realize even more how much I
love, respect, and appreciate her (my first wife). I
decided to wait until I go home for a visit and tell
her face-to-face. I am thinking of just giving her
this mode of _expression I am writing now as the
means.
I can’t justify my actions. Today we need
justification for doing this right? I can only say
that it has become obligatory for me to marry again.
Rasulullah (saw) said, "Young men, those of you who
can marry should marry for it lowers the gaze and
protects the private parts." (Bukhari & Muslim) I am
working in an area that is completely void of Islam
and Muslims except for the two brothers that work in
this same area, and now, the one new sister, my new
wife. Alhamdulillah. So it is the four of us in an
area with hundreds of thousands of people. Among them
all, I am the most knowledgeable in Qur’an and Sunnah.
That in itself is scary! Because I know jack! My
protection from fitnah was nil and it was becoming
increasingly difficult for me with my personality and
character. Alhamdulillah for saving me from the
Hellfire!
I wish I was more like Rasulullah (saw). Less than
that, I wish I was more like brother Yusuf or Khalid
(very good friends of mine who fear Allah
tremendously)! Hey, that is who I can talk to. I wish
my fear of Allah was such that I would become recluse
and detached from this society where I would not be in
this position.
"I have been cured of that disease." (echoes)
How would I do daw’ah, if I became a recluse? If that
happens, I am forsaking an actual obligation of Allah.
This society is in desperate need of Islam. How can I
give daw’ah if it causes me to talk to women? I found
myself in a very difficult and awkward position. Islam
has the solution to all our problems and the answers
for the problems of these people as well. Why could I
not find the solution to this problem without
contracting the disease? Of course now I can give
daw’ah in the presence of my new wife, but could I
have done something else? I heard of the, "Just give
them daw’ah material to read and let them go"
response. I don’t know if I completely agree with that
concept, but then again, I really do not know anything
about being a good Muslim. I am searching for the
answers myself, and polygyny can’t possibly be the
only solution. Could it?
So what about my wife? Is she not suffering being away
from me all this time? Does she not need companionship
while I am away? I must be a monster for doing this to
her. At least that is what I expect the Muslim sisters
to say, and some Muslim brothers-and at times, I feel
the same way about myself. All of these questions flow
through my mind continuously.
So now what do I do? I have to think about these ideas
and emotions that are stressing me and apply the
Qur’an and Sunnah. I know my wife loves me
tremendously. I know she says that she loves me so
much that she can not share me. How do I answer that?
How should I feel about that? If my wife really found
that she cannot share me because she loves me too
much, this might be an indication that she loves me
more than she loves Allah and the truth of Islam.
And Allah(swt) says regarding this:
"And of mankind are some who take for worship others
beside Allah as rivals. They love them as they love
Allah. But those who believe love Allah more than
anything else. If only, those who do wrong could see,
when they will see the torment that all power belongs
to Allah and that Allah is severe in punishment."
Surah 2, Ayah 165
and in another ayah:
"Say: If your fathers, your sons, your brothers, your
wives, your kindred, the wealth that you have gained,
the commerce in which you fear a decline, and the
dwellings in which you delight…are dearer to you than
Allah and His Messenger, and Jihad in His cause then
wait until Allah brings about His Decision. And Allah
guides not the people who are the rebellious and
disobedient to Allah" Surah 9,Ayah 24
So if she found herself in such a situation, then
should she not analyze her feelings and see if this
love is a prohibited love which exceeds the limits and
is stronger to me than it is to Allah and the
Messenger and the truth of Islam?
What about the fact that this is going to be
unbearable for her? How can I expect her to handle
this situation after she has learned that I have
"betrayed" her?
Allah Ta’ala says:
"…No person shall have a burden laid on him greater
than he can bear…" (2:233)
"…Allâh does not want to place you in difficulty…"
(5:6)
"We have not sent down the Qur'ân unto you to cause
you distress," (20:2)
Rather, Allah sent the Qur’an and the Messenger (saw)
as a mercy for us:
"And We have sent you (O Muhammad SAW) not but as a
mercy for the 'Alamîn. " (21:107)
"…So now has come unto you a clear proof from your
Lord, and a guidance and a mercy…" (6:157)
"Certainly, We have brought to them a Book which We
have explained in detail with knowledge, - a guidance
and a mercy to a people who believe." (7:52)
The last ayah says that the Qur'an is a mercy and
guidance for those who believe-and one of the verses
in the Qur'an which is a mercy and guidance for the
believers is regarding polygyny:
"…then marry women of your choice, two or three, or
four…" (4:3)
So this verse is not an exception from the mercy which
the Qur’ân brings for the believers. How could it be
possible for polygyny to be a mercy from Allah and
unbearable and impossible to handle at the same time?
I guess it would be relevant to mention at this time
that Islam brings mercy not only to the individual
himself but for the whole of the society and it
benefits the society and helps to solve the problems
of the society as a whole. So even if polygyny was
something difficult to the individual woman it is a
way for her sisters to gain the blessing of the
marriage and the protection of the husband and it
solves the social problems in the society when the
muslim women out number the muslim men. But there I go
again, trying to justify my actions.
"I have been cured of that disease." (echoes)
More stress! Not only do I have the stress of breaking
this news to my wife, but I now have to worry about
how to bring my new wife into the country when my time
is finished here. The easiest solution of course is to
ask my wife to divorce me on paper so that I can marry
this new sister according to the civil law as well. Is
that not a slap in the face! What am I going to do? I
have to find out what the Shari’ah says about that. I
know there are varying opinions on the matter. I even
devised the plan of what to say. "If you divorce me on
paper so that I can marry this sister by civil law, we
will set the term for three years of civil law
marriage or until she can get citizenship. Then I can
divorce her on paper and marry you again for the same
amount of time so I don’t do injustice to either of
you. Or, I will just not be married to you or her by
civil law. It would make it easier for all of us.
Whichever you decide is best, is ok with me." I can
see that going over like a turd in the punchbowl! The
whole concept sounds absurd-but what can we do?
Ya Allah!
If she doesn’t accept that suggestion, the only
alternative is for all of us to move to another
country. Being US citizens, we have the advantage of
being able to travel anywhere in the world without
much hassle in obtaining visas. Alhamdulillah. But for
sure, I can not leave my new wife here in her country.
I would expect that it would not be too difficult for
her to get a visa to another "Third World Nation."
I am at lost for words and I am scared. But for now, I
am safe from the Shaytan. Alhamdulillah. At least I
can be happy for that, for now. If nothing else, let
it be said that I feared Allah more than I feared all
those other things. Pray for us!
Subhanakallahu huma wa bihamdika wa ashahadu anla
ilaha illah anta astaghfruku watubu ‘ilaik.
Note: I have used the word disease in this mode of
_expression, not only because my brother in Islam used
it, but because I began to understand that we have
begun to treat polygyny as a disease. I used it in
this artistic fashion to express my concern of the
state and direction of our Ummah, the followers of
Rasulullah (saw) and to demonstrate the gravity of our
disdain for this Sunnah. Webster’s dictionary defines
a disease as an abnormal condition of an organism or
part that impairs normal physiological functioning,
especially as a result of infection, inherent
weakness, or environmental stress-and a condition or
tendency, as a society, regarded as abnormal and
harmful. WOW!! Subhanallah! If that is not how we view
polygyny today, I can’t give a more accurate
description. We are treating a Sunnah of our beloved
Prophet (saw) and his companions (ra) like it is a
disease. I am trying to wrap my mind around that
concept. I pray that Allah Ta’ala forgives us. Ameen!