let us start a thread on poylgyny

let us start a thread on poylgyny - Printable Version

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let us start a thread on poylgyny - Muslimah - 08-16-2003

as salam alykom

I got this article from another board, worth reading by us women.

Pep talk to sistas faced with polygyny

As salaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu. This was reposted on another group I belong to and I feel like it is a good pep talk when one is down and out in this polygyny thing.

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InshaAllah this reaches everyone in high Imaan and in good health.

I have a bone to pick with myself and with the Muslimahs of this

Ummah. I may be so completely wrong about all of this but I must say it and get it off my shoulders. Bear with me.

I am beginning to feel as if we as Muslim women discount our own

selves in this issue. That we do a lot to help put ourselves down. Why is it that we are so darned concerned with what they do and what they say and what rights they take and on and on and on. When are we as Muslim women say enough is enough.

I won't be a welcome mat for emotional baggage anymore. I won't stand around and wait and wait for him to do what he wants to do then cry scream and yell when he does. When do we say ya know what I am me, I am a separate individual and I don't have to cry scream and yell. When do we stand our ground on our rights and at the same time give them theirs.

When do we stop all of the nit picking and yelling about something he wants to do. Where's our strength? Where is our individuality? Where is our ability to continue happily?

Don't we control our emotions or are sooooo caught up that we can't even see that anymore? Don't we have a choice in how we choose think about things? Where our strength? Well I am sick of it. I love and adore my husband I want a fruitful marriage with him always, but when do I say ENOUGH. I won't be depressed anymore. I won't act like a banshee anymore. ENOUGH.

I have my free will and I opt to you use it become a whole person

within myself. I don't need my husband to validate my worth.

I am a Muslim, Allah has already done that. When is Allah's love more than enough for me? Why don't I cry when I commit a sin, but I cry when he says he wants another wife? Isn't that backwards? When do I put my foot down and go with the flow of Islam? When do I stop all of this humming and hawing over something Halal? Goodness, am I that weak? Yes,I want him to love me, yes I want him to say nice things to me, yes I want his children, yes I want his attention, yes I want his compassion, his

understanding, yes yes yes. But sheesh, where is my strength to stand up and say, " I make my marriage, between you and I and not you and I and a Her and Her and Her". Where is it? Is he sooooo perfect that I sacrifice my dignity, my ticket to Jannah, my individuality?

I can do this, Insh'Allah. And I can do it well. Allahu Alim. You know

why because I am going to trust in my Rabb that he would not allow something that is harmful to me, that there is benefit the likes of that which I do not know. And when, do I think that Allah might be angry and upset with me because I have spent so much time and energy crying over this and I haven't even expended half as many tears over my sins? Shouldn't it hurt more to realize that my husband would sell me for a way into Jannah if he could? At least now he still shows he loves me, he cares, and takes care of me?

When do I get out of the dark of Dunya, and this Kufar nonsense and dump it in the garbage. I looooooove my religion. Part of this religion is Polygyny. POLYGYNY POLYGYNY POLYGYNY. So I have three choices, stay and be miserable, leave, or stay and haul myself up, get a grip on reality, the way things really are and

practice this Deen as was practiced in the past. No exceptions. I am not better than the wives of the Prophet (S). I need to get off of my high horse. My husband doesn't do this to me, because of me, or because of something I said. It simply because it the way Allah made them. What more do I need. Allah made them this way. Should I be taking this argument up with Allah, which I would neeeeever be so presumptuous to do or think, then why argue with my husband over the way he was created? Why? Isn't that a waste of my precious time? Isn't it? It's all up to me to change how I personally view this and all that it entails. So that what I am going to do Insh'Allah. I don't want the only example of polygyny in people minds to be bad and something to avoid with a ten foot pole. I don't want to end up a sad, depressed, old woman before my time. But I have to realize that if I really don't want that then I have to put that into effect myself. 90 percent of my emotional problems are because of what I choose to continue thinking and feeling, well I am done with all of that.

Enough is Enough.

let us start a thread on poylgyny - ummibrehim - 08-21-2003

Assamamalyakum sister.

I have read your post and it is difficult to understand exactly what you are trying to say. But, I am going to try and post an answer.

I have thought about polymagy a lot with an open and unjudging mind, as I am sure most muslims have.

First point. To ask your husband not to marry a second wife is probably the best approach any muslim woman can take. I say this following the example of the prophets daughter Fatimah.

.

And to fit another point in right here. I have often wondered why it is that women do not consider the example of the muslim women who were companions of the prophet. I mean, as women we need a woman as an example

Second point. I almost hate to make this point because I get so many muslims telling me I am wrong. However, I still lean in this general direction. The prophet made it clear that he and his immediate family of wives were not like other people. (The hadith about this I do not actaully have in front of me to quote right now.)

It seems clear that Allah not only sent the prophet to deliver his message but also as a example. By this I mean that the prophet lived his life in a way that Allah can test us ordinary people.

We are sure that men can have more than one wife. The quran says so. But, also the Quran says that no man can be equal to two woman. No matter how much he desires to be so. And we can see in our everyday life men desire to be equal to two women.

I am sure that a man who has two wives is not being fair to them. And the proof I have is the Quran.

Now before I get into further trouble. I agree with what you say sister. If we are faced with another wife. We as muslim sisters must be strong and do our best to accept what Allah has ordained for us.

Ummibrehim

let us start a thread on poylgyny - Suhail - 08-22-2003

now i know why i want to be locked from this section........ so plzzzz lock me from it !!!

p.s im not talking bout ur post ummibrahim

let us start a thread on poylgyny - Amatullah - 08-22-2003

Dear sister Um ummibrehim

Concerning the 2 ayah's in the Quran regarding polygyny the first one says if you can't be fair then marry only one.

"Fair" in this ayah means being fair in provision (providing for them equaly) and time (spending time with them equaly), as for emotions it is not obligatory for the husband to love both the same way because he doesn't have control of that, and that is what "fair" means in the second ayah - the emotions-.

let us start a thread on poylgyny - Muslimah - 08-23-2003

Quote:Originally posted by ummibrehim Assamamalyakum sister. 

I have thought about polymagy a lot with an open and unjudging mind, as I am sure most muslims have.

First point. To ask your husband not to marry a second wife is probably the best approach any muslim woman can take. I say this following the example of the prophets daughter Fatimah.

This situation is totally different, Ali wanted to marry daughter of Abu Jahl, so the Messenger of Allah صلى الله عليه وسلم said the daughter of Rasulu Allah and daughter of the enemy of Allah shall never gather under one man. So the issue was not for Ali to remarry, but rather marry the daughter of the enemy of Allah.

.

Second point. I almost hate to make this point because I get so many muslims telling me I am wrong. However, I still lean in this general direction. The prophet made it clear that he and his immediate family of wives were not like other people. (The hadith about this I do not actaully have in front of me to quote right now.)

In this, Allah in the Quran described mothers of the believers as:\"O wives of the Prophet! You are not like any other women\" (Quran 33:32). Simply because they were not allowed to remarry had the Prophet divorced them or after his death. So this rule is restricted on them only. For the same purpose he was the only one allowed to keep more than 4 wives. He was not allowed to replace any of them, because they are bound to be his wives in Jannah. In case they remarry then they will be wives of the last husband as u probably know. So it is not that they have a total different life style restricted on them. Specially in terms of polygyny. But rather the issue is they are different in this sense. In addition to other forms of worship which were a fard (obligatory) on the Messenger of Allah only such as Tahajud.

Hope I added something to clarify this point to u Ummibrehim

Ummibrehim

let us start a thread on poylgyny - ummibrehim - 08-23-2003

Assalamalyakum sister, thanks for adding to my post and clarifying.

However, I am guessing that you didn't quite get my point.

The subject of Islam is a tricky one. Because many people are angered and come to fast conclusions when they first read something different from what they normally believe.

I have been a muslim for a long time and I have studied. I do not understand Arabic. One of the achievements I would like to make in my life is prove that one can understand Islam and live by Allah's rules, yet not understand Arabic. (I do pray in Arabic)

One of the first things that my family faced me with when I became muslim was "why isn't it in English?"

The quran is simple sisters. There is nothing difficult about understanding it.

It says only marry if you can be fair. And then it says you cannot be fair. Therefore, though he is allowed if he can afford it, he cannot be fair to two of them.

So the very simple answer is still there for all to easily understand. A man can never be fair between two women.

My point was this, yes we can watch the prophet and his wives and live our lives accordingly. But, also that Allah used them to set examples. To test his people from those who may not be his people.

I am glad Suhail786 to be a part of this posting. The only way to understand Islam is to read and post, in other words. Read and speak.

Please sister when you feel the need to administer to my posts, do so.

I am am American sister and to Americans Love is a very important part of life. However, in Islam this very subject is clear sisters we may not always receive the love as Americans we expect. It is the very shock that sends many of us back towards Christianity or at the least making it difficult for us to stick out a marriage. It is a subject that needs to be addressed and dealt with if marriages towards converts to Islam and Middle Eastern marriages are ever going to work.

And we need these marriages to take place and work. I know as a new muslim some 26 yrs ago. I needed that support.

ummibrehim.

let us start a thread on poylgyny - UmmAiman - 08-23-2003

Never Say Never

by A Muslim Sister

As an American woman embracing Islam, there are often hurdles and challenges to be met. One of the most difficult aspects of Islam for me to accept was the permissibility of polygyny. The very thought of it seemed so bizarre and I chose to ignore it rather than accept it or to ever take part in it.

I embraced Islam about 7 years ago. This was also the beginning of a long struggle in search of the perfect husband and father figure for my children and me. I was provided a Wali from my community in order to handle this matter in the correct manner as to avoid mixing unnecessarily with other men, as well as to protect my best interests. It was a difficult process as most of the Brothers whom showed interest in marriage to me were looking for a second wife. It seemed that there were no single Brothers looking for a wife who already had children.

Almost a year of searching (I was feeling very desperate!), my Wali was approached by another Brother. Of course he too was searching for a second wife after moving to this country because of political/economic reasons. My Wali informed me that he seemed very sincere. He needed another wife as he planned on being in the US for several years and wanted to avoid living in haram. The Brother came here in hopes of providing better for his family overseas. To my dismay he had several children, didn't speak English, and did not have any formal education as he started working from the time he was 13 years old. He was even older than I preferred. However, I was informed that he is a good provider and a hard, skilled worker.

I still refused to meet with him because I did not want any part of a plural marriage. How could I share a man with another woman? How could I compete with the bond that they must share having several children together? Where would I fit in and how could I compete with all that it entails? Besides, he wasn't even educated! I couldn't imagine how he could possibly support the large family he already had as well as another family! Not to mention he was not a legal resident and I feared he was looking for a green card. It did not matter that I was desperate, I still would not agree to such circumstances. I would just continue to wait for the right person to come along.

Al hamdulillah! A couple of weeks later, another Brother was interested in meeting with me! He was only a couple of years older than I, never married, and no children. Not only that, he was educated (working on his Ph.D.), fluent in English and a legal resident! I was so excited to meet him I could hardly wait! He sounded like the ideal husband!

Right away, we met with each other and talked (with my Wali present of course). We both felt that we were perfect for each other. We were eventually married and we both felt very blessed. All of my prayers were being answered and my search had finally come to an end. I was so relieved and excited to begin a new life with my new husband. We packed all my belongings and moved to the state he resided in. I felt that my life could not be more perfect than it was now!

Well, Sisters, I couldn't be more wrong. After the move, my life started to fall apart really fast. Almost immediately, I could see signs of conflict between us. I couldn't believe it! My world came crashing down on me! I could actually see it happening right in front of my face but I could not stop it from happening. Two people never clashed as much as we did! How could this be happening to me? We disagreed about everything! We simply were not compatible. However, I was determined not to lose this marriage! I never wanted anything more badly than I wanted this marriage! I couldn't understand why this was happening when our marriage was based on Islam. We continued talking but neither one of us could understand what the other was saying. Eventually we were like enemies and it was getting really ugly. I began despising the way he talked, walked, laughed, etc. (I am sure he felt the same way.) At this point we both felt that divorce was the only answer. I felt like a total failure and I was so ashamed! I could never return home and be the talk of the community! My Iman had dropped very low. I only wanted to disappear.

I contacted my Wali's wife and she gave me the number to a very nice Sister in another state. I called her (Maashaallah) and she agreed to help me relocate to where she lived. (This state was even further away!). Consider me crazy but I decided to go for it! I felt that I had nothing else to lose. I loaded all of my belongings in the back of a U-Haul trailer and we left for our new home. I was really scared. The drive was about 17 hours long and I had never driven for more than 3 hours by myself. I would just have to think of it as an adventure and say Bismillah!

The next day, I arrived at my final destination. I found the home of this very sweet Muslim Sister (Maashaallah). Previously, I had spoken to her briefly on the phone and never actually met her in person. I was pleasantly surprised to see a Sister in niqab come out and greet me so warmly. I was so exhausted from driving (especially on the freeways in this large city). My niqaabi Sister was so enthusiastic; I soon forgot my troubles. She drove me all over the city in search of an apartment. Al hamdulillah by the end of the day Allah (S) provided me with an apartment in a really nice community with several other Muslim families. The apartment manager skipped the credit check, as that would have taken more time! Everything happened so smoothly with such ease, that I knew that this was what Allah (S) wanted for me. I felt I had made the right choice by moving there.

The very next day, Allah (S) provided me with a job! I started right away. My employer was Muslim and didn't mind that I wore hijab. For once I felt happy and at peace with myself. I started to feel that maybe it wasn't meant for me to be married and that I was probably better off single. I started making many friends right away. I met so many nice Sisters and my Iman was getting stronger once again.

After my Iddah, a Muslim Sister approached me from my apartment complex. She wanted to know if I was interested in getting married again. She insisted that she had the perfect Brother for me. (How about that!?) A little reluctant, I listened to what she had to say. She explained to me that he lived in my home state and that he was a hard worker and a good Muslim. He was very, close friends with her husband so he wasn't a complete stranger. Then she came to the "he's looking for a second wife part." (Not that again!!!) I immediately told her I was not interested in a polygynous relationship. She understood how I felt and did not pressure me any further.

That very evening, I went to bed thinking how awful it would feel to be a woman and share your husband with another woman. I could never be a part of that! I felt that I was too jealous and selfish of a person. I felt so angry that men could do that to their wives. I couldn't even imagine how these women must feel.

The next morning I awoke thinking about the Brother who wanted a second wife. Somehow, Subhanallah, my heart felt lighter thinking about it. I actually began contemplating marriage as a second wife! (Imagine that!) I started thinking of all the positives that could result from this marriage. After all, he did have previous experience with women and children (a major problem in my previous marriage). Because of his experience and age (maturity) I felt that he might be better prepared to deal with my children and me.

That same morning I contacted the Sister and asked her for more information about this Brother and told her that I might be interested. (And Sisters, the entire time I was thinking that I must be out of my mind!) The Sister explained to me that this very sincere Brother was looking for a good Muslim (practicing) wife. He wanted her to be a part of his family and eventually return home with him to his native country. She went on to tell me that he does not speak any English and is not formally educated. He had been a hard worker from the time he was 13 years old. (Wait a minute! This sounds too familiar!!! Could this possibly be the same Brother I refused to meet over one and a half years ago?! That would be impossible considering, that this Sister is not familiar with any of my friends' back home - over 4 states away!) After inquiring, she informed me of his name and where he worked. After our conversation ended, I immediately called a friend of mine whose husband knew the Brother I previously refused to meet.

Subhanallah! It was the very same Brother! I was totally shocked! (Could this be a sign from Allah (T)?) I knew now that I had to meet with him. I shared the news with my friend and she immediately arranged for her husband to talk with the Brother and arrange a meeting. The Brother drove to meet me (a 17 hour drive) a couple of days later. Upon meeting him, I knew right away that this Brother was for me! We were both very pleased with each other. Two days later we were married at the masjid.

Alhamdulillah we have now been married going on 4 years now and I can honestly say that I have no regrets. Allah (T) has filled our hearts with love for each other that continuously grows. I previously believed that I would have to make too many sacrifices being part of a plural marriage. I now know that I have gained more than I have lost alhamdulillah! My life is now richer than it has ever been. I now have a wonderful, large family who love and care for my children and me. My children adore their stepfather and he adores them. My husband's other wife (Maashaallah) is my Sister and friend and I love her dearly. Her children are like my own - I love them and they love me as well. We all have the same goals and want what is best for all of us.

And yes, alhamdulillah my husband loves his other wife tremendously, and for that I love and respect him even more. I wouldn't want it any other way! He informs us that he loves both of us in the same way that a mother has room in her heart to love all of her children-differently (because we are both different), but at the same time -- equally (as can be expected). He only speaks kind words about each of us and at the same time is careful to try not to create jealousy or animosity between us. Of course I was jealous at first, (and so was she) as this is normal, however those feelings eventually turned into love and compassion for my Sister.

Allah (T) has been so good to me alhamdulillah! My husband (Maashaallah) supports all of us financially with Allah's help! (Even without a college degree and high paying corporal job). I have to admit that there were some difficulties at times when it comes to language barriers, but nothing we can't overcome with patience. My husband now speaks English well, and my knowledge of Arabic has greatly increased.

So Sisters, I just wanted to share my experience with you. Never say "never" because if it's Allah's will -- you can't avoid it. You can run (like I did) but you can't hide from what Allah (T) has planned for you. The most important thing to do is to put your faith in Allah (T) and surrender to Him. He has the ability to change and soften our hearts in any matter. Allah (T) knows best and may He continue to guide us all on the right path. Ameen.

Taken from Muslimah Inspirations.

let us start a thread on poylgyny - Muslimah - 08-23-2003

I exaclty know what u mean Ukhti Ummibreihm. It is the thin line between being an originally american and the new concept of loving no one or thing except for Allah's sake. But this can be easily handled ukhti because the Messenger of Allah صلى الله عليه وسلم clearly expressed his love to his wives, and Allah say in the Quran what means and we bestowed between them love and mercy. The only point is that we don't let our hearts be fully set on the person thing to the extend that we collapse if it disappears. Allah Shall remain there. But Islam is never against expressing love specially between husband and wife. If interracial marriages fail sometimes, it has nothing to do with Islam. It is culture Ukhi

Which I may elaborate on on another post Insh a Allah only if u want

let us start a thread on poylgyny - Muslimah - 08-23-2003

As Salam Alykom UmmAiman

Jazaki Allah khairan for posting this, it is very true. One can never escape Allah's decree

May He help us all accept what he decrees

let us start a thread on poylgyny - hefny - 08-24-2003

Sisters in Islam

Believe me I feel whenever I have something in mind about faith our forum start to discuss it like reading my mind

If we know that we been created to warships Allah by doing good deeds & as per profit Mohamed (saw) means that one of the best things in life is a good wife

For man & woman to get married on poylgyny it could be one of Allah blessing to warship Allah and secure each other from the hill fire by the will of Allah

I heard a story that the mother of the companions Anes EbN Malik if I am right was married to his father only one night and he found that his wife is ugly so he ran away

After years he came back after he heard that he has a son that he was one of companions what a blessing of allah to that father

It was a blessing of Allah to all wives of profit Mohamed (saw) that for each of them became a link for us until the day of judgments to know about Islam and Sunnah and all of them will lead Muslims believers to paradise

Sisters price of paradise is not what we wish but what Allah command us to do

I have a dream if my wife or a second wife & I that we both could be our goal is Allah forgiveness and to enter paradise