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A man's fair opinion about polygyny - AL3a3 - 08-15-2003
Sis. Muslimah, I hope it's ok, for me to say, that;
it is naturally, that a woman want her husband to her. Even the Prophet (saaws) wives (ram) were all deeply in love with him. They placed tricks on one another and evn Aisha (ra) was reported to have been jealous of Khadijah (ra) his (saaws) first wife, even though she had past already and also, she wasn't even one of the wives during the polygamy aisha (ra) was apart of.
Sisters if you want to discuss this among each other, it would be also, enlightening to see what other brothers have to say.
Not all of us want more than one wife, being men, we may think of it, but we know in our hearts we can bearly hancle the ones we have. Some brothers are very well endowed with all physical, emotional, and financial ablitlies and them may be willing to take care of more than one. But it is not right if a sister helps her husband maintain and provide, then when he gets a few extra bucks in his wallet, he just ups and get another. That is the time for us to actually, make up everything to the wives we have.
If a brother is abled and treats the first wife with upper respect in all aspects, then that sister have no right to go against it. but if he doesn't fulfill all his duties to take care of that wife he should never even think about gettng another.
Another sister asked where is it stated one is better,
(sura 4:3)
My opinion:
there is a question of which type of woman to marry, because some woman can't be dealt with justly, meaning, some require so much and it a brother is willing to take her and care for her, he shouldn't divide her maintainacne with the 2nd wife, it's not right to take from one to give to another, useless you are dealing with the things children must share. But a wife is a help mate and needs to be cared for .
Anyway, I just wanted you all brothers and sisters to know, we must for Allah's Pleasure, get this together and treat marriage sacred as Allah states, it's a union of His Servants is c covenant and too many of covenants have been broken.
As-salaamu alaikum wa rahmantu'llahi wa barakatu!
A man's fair opinion about polygyny - Amatullah - 08-16-2003
)وَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ أَلَّا تُقْسِطُوا فِي الْيَتَامَى فَانْكِحُوا مَا طَابَ لَكُمْ مِنَ النِّسَاءِ مَثْنَى وَثُلاثَ وَرُبَاعَ فَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ أَلَّا تَعْدِلُوا فَوَاحِدَةً أَوْ مَا مَلَكَتْ أَيْمَانُكُمْ ذَلِكَ أَدْنَى أَلَّا تَعُولُوا) (النساء:3) [/size:59c53ae4f6]
<span>[b:59c53ae4f6]And if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphangirls, then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three, or four but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one or (the captives and the slaves) that your right hands possess. That is nearer to prevent you from doing injustice.[/b:59c53ae4f6][/color:59c53ae4f6]</span>
<span>Brother Al3a3</span>
<span>Where does it say that marrying one is better than polygyny ?</span>
<span>The Ayah says that one is better [b:59c53ae4f6]IF [/b:59c53ae4f6]the man can [b:59c53ae4f6]Not [/b:59c53ae4f6] be fair if he marries more than one, but it didn't say that marrying one is better in any case.</span>
<span>For Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala has made polygyny permissable for many reason, it is His wisdom, some of those reasons we know and some we don't.</span>
<span>----------------</span>
<span>I also wanted to talk about another issue related to polygany, we tend to a lot of times blame everything on the man when it is sometimes the woman's fault. Some men choose to marry a second wife because the first one [b:59c53ae4f6]neglects him [/b:59c53ae4f6] and [b:59c53ae4f6]doesn't do her duty[/b:59c53ae4f6]. If a woman is not going to do her duty towards her husband and is going to neglect him then she should not complain if he decides to marry another one.</span>
<span>Also, problems from polygany are not only brought by men because of being unfair, I read stories where the wives themselves because of exaggerated jeolusy (which is bad) caused problems for each other and made the mans life kind of misreable. Sometimes it is the first wife who is bad and causes problems to the 2nd wife, and sometimes it is the 2nd wife who causes problems for the first wife. It is very sad.</span>
<span>That is why the man should pick a good Musleemah for a wife.</span>
<span>If every Muslim followed the rules of Allah and the sunnah of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم then there wouldn't be any problems.</span>
<span>Allah almusta'an.</span>
<span>May Allah guide us and all Muslims to the straight path. </span>
A man's fair opinion about polygyny - AL3a3 - 08-16-2003
I pray Allah give me the right words to say.
sometimes we read but don't completely read, excpet what we are looking for.
sometimes we write but only what we know, you have some that write even what they don't know.
I NEVER SAID LET'S GO AGAINST POLYGAMY, I FOR ONE WANTED TO CARE FOR ANOTHER, BUT DIDN'T HAVE THE FUNDS, and seeing my own striving in the way she do, I could not hurt her.
I am blessed to have a wife, al-hamdu'llah, who completely fulfills everything about me, but at first I couldn't see that.
Anyway, Sister, you should read Blessings of obeying one husband (another thread that may explain, what i've stated, as well as a nother brother stated too) as well as this opinion and you'll see that i did mention, ONLY IF THE BROTHERS ARE ABLE.
Allah (swt) says even if a man's deep desire was to satisfy a woman he couldn't.
those were my words, but here's the ayat (4:129) if I'm not mistaken.
Also, the muslims today are so, sidetracked, we are hurting our families now, well we do have lots of practising and peaceful families. But when I grew up in a christian home, all my parents stayed together til death, they loved each other and both mothers and fathers loved all the children, my parents had lots of friends because they were just good to everyone. sure, being non-muslim, they may have done things but we never saw.
anyway, look at the stories of how the Prophet (saaws) wives played tricks, (they never crossed lines), and we all should know and believe that the Prophet (saaws) was for sure the fair one (saaws). There are stories in hadis that tells of how even one time he (saaws) stayed away from them for a month, (so that they could have time to think about their behaviours).
WHAT THE BROTHERS NEED TO KNOW LIKE THE PROPHET (SAAWS) WE CAN'T MAKE YOU WIVES STAY IN THE SAME HOMES, AND WE SHOULDN'T EVEN MAKE YOU HANG-OUT TOGETHER, BUT WHEN DEALING WITH EACH OTHER, YOU SHOULD BE SISTERS IN ALLAH'S NAME NO MATTER WHAT AND REESPECT EACH OTHER.
If I'm not mistaken Sara(as) the wife Of ??? the Prophet Ibrahim(as)???, wished well for Hagart (as), so that her Husnad Prophet ??? (as) could have a child, but in Sara'a heart she became so jealous, the Prophet ??? had to take Hagart (as) a pregnant wife into the woods to protect not only her and their child, but also, to protect Sara(as) from committing Possible harm to Hagart(as).
Hagart (as) and thier child were the nes Allah (swt) Belssed to be the first to get the ZAmZam water (different story), but the thing is a woman shouldn't feel bad or suffer because another can't except polygamy.
It has to be a wife who is tired of her husband all the time, to deal with, because, even an excellent servant can be jealous.
Everything must be for Allah's Pleasure alone!!!
I know some brothers may be against what i've stated, but i have alot of friends who seek refuge in Allah instead of taking on the heavy responsiblilty of more than one.
Allah don't place burdens on us that we can not bear, it is us who place them on ourselves.
The Prohet (saaws) said, NOt quoting, like: a true muslim wishes for his brother/sister what he wishes for himself. there were times when the Companions (ram) who had more than one wife and offered the brothers without one to choice from one of his.
the Prophet (saaws) wives never divorced him (saaws),
but look at his mess alot of brothers know what alot of sisters look like and alot of sisters are bitter in polygamy, on the day of judgement we have to answer to each wife and all chldren dependants. there isn't a way all women can be married, even each brother abled can only have 4 each, as wives, masha'llah
May Allah forbid any falsehood I've said and forgive me if i've stated anything wrong...amin!
As-salaamu alaikum wa rahmantu'llah
A man's fair opinion about polygyny - Aqilah - 08-17-2003
As Salaam u Alaikum! May Allah(SWT) give me all the strenght I need to stand by my words of what I'm about to say which is in my heart. Amin.
I am a sista who has been married to a brother for some 13 Yr.s.[/color]
I'm getting older then him as I hold down the most part of our home. While waiting for him to come from a 28 Yr.s of a prison term.(he has been there 28 Yr.s)
I just want U to know there was a time when I would belive I would never share my husband. and now:
I want my husband to take on another wife, when he comes home for the fact is I want him to have his wife when he wants any time he wants and I don't want to disappoint him.
Now we know that in this country, most of our men can not afford a 2nd or 3rd wife.
the right way, the Sunnah way. what is written for us to follow.
Allah has allowed me too have taken care of my self with him watching over me.
I have keep most of it together, and Allah has made sure a roof has been over my head.
I would only ask of my husband to maintain me with $ 7.50.
This way he can afford another wife with very little preasure, of taking care of me.
I will be here when he needs a rest and to be at peace. Inshallah.
I'm older then my husband by a few years.
And he has said he would like me to pick his wife.
this is an honor.
I would want her younger and full of joy and can make him happy!
I will take my days as he would want and remembering he is only a loan to me.
I would hope he would be with me in Jennah. That will make me happy.
Now I ask that U all make dua for me that Allah will keep me strong and know when I get weak and miss him Allah will give my angels to hold me together. Inshallah.
I rather know: who my husband is with when he is not with me!
knows that she prays the way we should pray. worship the way we do. She will fix halal food for him.
and she will wash the way we wash. and take care of my husband and know he is in good hands when he is with her.
Inshallah.
And reminder benifits the believer.
Assalaam U Alaikum Rahmatallahi Wa Barakatuh
Ur Sista in Islam
[/b][/i][/b]
A man's fair opinion about polygyny - Muslimah - 08-17-2003
as salam alykom
WOW Mash a Allah may Allah increas your strength and Eman
A man's fair opinion about polygyny - AL3a3 - 08-17-2003
Bismillah, ***NOW IT IS HALAAL, WHEN THE WIFE WILL ACCEPT, ONLY PART, AND MAY ALLAH (swt), grant these sisters, permission into any gate they choose, on the day of Judgement...amin!
Although I speak of brothers, one if that's all you can handle. I do know polygamy marriages that work, but all of them don't. I do know of a brother with 3 wives and 10 children and they all seem to get along, but they all live in the same house, and 2 wives work, masha'llah. I don't know what's in the hearts of these sisters, but Allah will for sure bless them for thier patience and tolerance.
But there is so much divorce, because of polygamy, it's very sad. I only wish well for our whole islamic family
As-salamu alaikum wa rahmantu'llah
A man's fair opinion about polygyny - AL3a3 - 08-17-2003
al-hamdu'llah, this is the best time for a brother to take another wife, when his first wife is not abled to satisfy him for one reason or another. When a good muslim sister thinks this much of her husband , then the brother will get great rewards. I pray to Allah (swt) that this brother treats them both with respect and fairness (not equal, becuase that's not easy), but with the fairness but equal time.
As did the Prophet (saaws), and he asked permission from the wife for that day to visist the other instead.
Yes, I do pray Sister, that your heart remains, that way..
May Allah (swt) bless your marriage to last til death, no matter what happens...amin!
As-salaamu alaikum wa rahmantu'llah
A man's fair opinion about polygyny - Muslimah - 03-04-2004
as salam alykom
I need to ask a question hoping for someone to get the daleel for it.
What if a woman who needs to be married sort of talked to a married man with the inention of marriage. will she be at fault. I mean does she simply have to wait in case a married man proposes, she accepts or it is haram to talk to a married man with the intention of marriage. I hope I made sense
A man's fair opinion about polygyny - imanov - 03-27-2004
http://www.christianpolygamy.com/polygamynews.htm
Polygamy is the highest form of islam community that can be lived,… There's a lot of love, a lot of help. Women have each other.
Both monogamy and polygamy have their own set of benefits and drawbacks. Neither are the overall ideal, but for each individual there is an ideal marriage situation. For one it may be celibacy, for another monogamy, and for another polygamy.
For Example:
-Polygamy enhances the economic power of the family, community and nation.
-Polygamy is a form of distribution of wealth.
-With polygamy one never 'has' to deal with a problem alone.
-Many hands do much more work, which leaves also more time to play and pursue goals.
Aaisha Thomas, who's husband has 4 other wives, told an me that "polygamy is a feminist institution because it offers flexibility to pursue a career while maintaining a family". In reply to claims that polygamy is 'a step back in evolution' (And no, I am not an evolutionist nor a femanisit per the quote above)
-Just pondering the advantages of polygamy, you can see that if polygamy was lawful for us and we maintained human rights
– we would 'evolve' with leaps and bounds.
-In evolution terms, natural selection would be greater if we could have the spouse we want.
Philip Kilbride, an American anthropologist, states in his book, Plural Marriage for Our Time, that polygamy as a solution to some of the ills of the American society at large. Research and History has shown that in monogamous societies; adultery, murder, divorce, abortion, and prostitution are more common.
Polygamy removes or reduces the seduction of innocent young women. A man cannot vow to marry a woman and then use his present marriage as an excuse to break that vow. It would force men to live up 4 to live up to responsibility and fidelity. Plus, as many have pointed out. If you were a polygamous man, would you dare cheat on your wives? Would you want your two, three, or four wives to find out? With so many eyes, they would, and would any man want to face four very mad women? No man in his right mind would do such a thing!
"The legal monogamy insisted upon by the Greeks and the Romans was often supplemented with institutionalized concubinage and widespread prostitution, and divorce was a recurring problem." Polygamy Reconsidered: African Plural Marriage and the Christian Churches, By Eugene Hillman, C.S.SP. Published 1975 by Orbis, Maryknoll, New York. "An Afrikaner theology professor says South Africa should legalize polygamy for whites to beat a divorce rate amongst the highest in the world." Johannesburg (Reuters 1-15-99)
-Not only does polygamy allow for a man wife a barren first wife to have children, it benefits the children themselves and the mothers.
-Many family members equals much more wisdom and different experiences, which help in raising children.
-A huge benefit for mothers is free and safe babysitting.
Polygamy is having more than one wife. In Islam, this is allowed but the man is only allowed to have up to four wives. There are strict rules governing the taking of more than one wife.
The husband has to able to provide equally for them.
The husband must be able to treat them justly.
Of course most of the world would look at this and think terrible thoughts. The ideal case is the opposite.
First, it allows more women who wish to be married the opportunity. Secondly, it allows for morality in the society. If a man has more than one wife he may not have the energy to wander. Third, if the women can get along, it can ease the burden of child care and house work. Fourth and here I will relate a story that was told at a meeting I attended on Women in Islam several years ago.
A man had four wives and they were going to do some things together for fun. The situation arose where it was one the wives turn to stay with the husband. The difference of opinion was on who was going to have to stay with the husband while the other three had fun.
The point is that it can relieve one woman from having to constantly see to her husbands needs. The second is as in the story, can you imagine what it does for a man's ego when his wives have to figure out who has to stay with him, kind of the shoe being on the other foot. Allah (SWT) is just.
Polygamy is allowed but it must meet certain conditions and these conditions are strict enough that if the Qur'an and Sunnah are followed the women will receive fair treatment. I wish to point out that ideal and actual are not the same. It is a decision that must be entered into with great care and if the first wife feels she can not abide with another wife she can ask for a divorce.
Here are some links that will explain this topic in more detail
http://www.islamzine.com/carlo/shari1.html :
In the Name of Allah, most Compassionate, most Merciful
Lamentations of a Muslim Wife
Shariffa Carlo
Allah Subhana wa Ta’ala has said, “... Marry of the women that please you; two, three or four, but if you fear you will not be able to deal justly, then only one...” (Quraan 4:3). I have looked to this statement many times. Some people point out to me the part that speaks of dealing justly, and they match it with, “And you have it not in your power to do justice between wives, even though you may wish (it), but be not disinclined (from one) with total disinclination, so that you leave her as it were in suspense; and if you effect a reconciliation and guard (against evil), then surely Allah is Forgiving, Merciful. “ (Quraan 4:129).
Here, they say, it is impossible for a person to be fair, therefore it is not allowed to marry more than one. This does not match what is written. The verse says to not desert them. How can this be a command to not marry more than one? Also, I find this theory hard to accept since I know that the prophet, the companions, the second generation, the third generation and so forth were all practicers of polygyny. If it were wrong, or even makru - as some state - then we would not find the majority among our best generations practicing it.
Then, we have others who claim that Polygyny is only in cases where war has taken the majority of the men, or in special circumstances - like when the woman can not bear children or when the woman is sick. However, once again, I do not find this the case when I look to the history of Islam. It was not less practiced by the wise knowledgable ones in Islamic history in times of peace, nor was it ever restricted to certain conditions. Actually, we don’t begin to see any problems with polygyny as a practice until the West began to exert influence over the Muslims.
Even as recently as the first World War, we see the bedouin Arabs proud of the fact that they have this practice as a part of their religion. What few problems we have are seen in the apologists who were trying to please the West by softening the image of Islam. These people even apologized for the practice of divorce which Islam allowed for centuries, while Christianity forbid it. Now, I wish I could see the faces of these same apologists if they could see the divorce rate of the West. Would they stop apologizing for it now that the West has not only accepted the practice, but embraced it wholeheartedly?
At any rate, when I look to this verse, I clearly see the if - then statement. As a computer lover, this immediately strikes me. If - then. This is a simple logic problem. Do A. If A is not possible, then do B giving precedence to A and using B as an exception to the rule. Therefore, when we apply it, we see that the man is commanded to marry two or three or four, but IF he can not be just, then he marries only one. The one, therefore becomes the exception to the rule. Now, if this is true, then why is it that today, not only is polygyny not the rule, it is the exception, and those who practice it are often criticized? Can it be that we have so many men who consider themselves unjust? I doubt it. I believe it lies in the attitudes of our women, may Allah guide us. We have been brainwashed by the Western ideal of one man-one wife. We need to listen to our scholars; so many of them have warned us to look to ourselves because this issue may be the one which makes us Kafir. May Allah prevent this from happening.
Whenever I discuss this subject with women, the first thing I normally hear, a statement which makes me cringe, is, “But it’s not fair...” Allah forgive the one who makes such a statement, for it is an utterance of shirk. For the one who made polygyny not only halal but also recommended was Allah, Himself. Therefore, whatever He, in his Great Fairness and Wisdom, has allowed and encouraged is fair by definition. And to say it is unfair is to say that He, Subhana wa Ta'ala, is unfair. May Allah guard our tongues from such blasphemy.
Muslim women have to take their minds out of the gutters of the West, and bring them up to the wisdom and purity of Islam's high ground. Polygyny is not an insult to women; it is a sign of respect. How many women would remain husbandless if it were haram? Sisters, I beg you. Look to your sisters in the Muslim countries. The number of single women has climbed so high that special laws are being created to try to fix the situation (While I know that many of these laws are misguided and based on fear of cultural intermixing, the fact the problem has reached epidemic proportions is undeniable even to them). In some countries, your sisters are having to resort to such misguided practices as temporary marriage, because polygyny is so looked down upon. May Allah forgive us for making this so.
Even, when a sister does choose to go into polygyny, her fellow sisters look to her as a traitor, and often treat her worse than an adultress. They akin it to stealing someone’s husband. Many of our sisters are ostracized and even humiliated, or worse cursed for practicing an act that our Loving Lord recommended to us. May Allah guide us. Wallahi, it pains me to see the treatment given to second, third and fourth wives. Sisters, we are so caught up in this idea that we possess our men, that even the second or third wife feels she has a right to prevent the inclusion of another into the relationship that benefitted her. Where are our minds? Where is our faith in Allah’s Wisdom? Where is our submission to the Will of Allah? Where is our love for each other? Where is the wanting for our sisters what we want for ourselves, namely family, love and happiness?
We were not placed on this earth to do anything but worship Allah, and we have to this as He commanded, not as our desires and jealousies guide us. We are allowed to be jealous. Aisha and the other Mothers of the Believers, may Allah have mercy on them, were jealous, but they did not allow their jealousy to destroy their deen, and I challenge anyone to show me an example where one of them, or one of the female companions, or even one of the second or third generation ever condemned a woman for becoming a second, third or fourth wife. It was accepted as a part of the deen. Sure, women tried to keep their husbands from taking the second, third or fourth wife. Sure they were jealous of each other. Sure, they even tried (until the prophet forbid it) to ask for the divorce of the other. But once they knew their limits, they submitted to the Will of Allah. So why is it so hard for us? Why can we not follow these great examples instead of the examples of the Western woman who has no respect for herself, much less her peers?
Sisters, I am not asking you to go and ask your husbands to take another wife, but I am asking you to accept this as a natural, acceptable, even preferable practice of Islam. If you are stronger in your faith, I see only blessings in asking your husband to help out a sister in need by marrying her. Imagine yourself a single mother, an unmarried woman past her prime, or a widow, alone without support.
Sisters, these are your sisters, and Allah forbid, it could be you one day. Have mercy on these women. And if they marry your husband or your friend’s husband, do not condemn them, curse them, ostracize them, boycott them or harass them. They have done the best. They have married rather that commit haram. They have followed the command of Allah in marrying. They have completed their religion, and the one who objects to it, even silently in her heart, has to reexamine her faith in Allah. She has to accept this as Allah’s religion and as the superior way, because and -- only because -- Allah said that it is so.
May Allah guide us all to accept His decree. May Allah make us all strong in following, practicing and accepting this great deen in its entirety, and may Allah give us the strength faith and support to fight our desires. Ameen.
Does Polygamy Degrade Womanhood?
Islam allows a man to have more than one wife, what is the significance of this? and do you think this degrades womanhood? I have wondered about this aspect of Islam but on asking various people.. I have never got a consistent reply. I was wondering if you could clear this for me.
Reply
It is more than obvious that an ideal family setup is the one in which one man and one woman decide to live their lives as man and wife. Islam makes no exception to this rule. There are a few points from which we can clearly derive from the Qur’an that according to the God’s basic scheme for this world, a family should consist of one husband and one wife only. For instance, we can see that when God created Adam, it was not a team of women created for his service, but just one, to be his partner. In the same way, even today the balanced setup for a household is normally where one man and one woman combine to form a family. There is nothing in the teachings of the Qur’an or the narratives ascribed to the Prophet (pbuh) that negates this rule.
But even though an ideal family setup consists of one husband and one wife, there can be a number of situations where the society demands of a person to compromise the ideal family setup and enter into a second marriage for the general good of the society. It is exactly such a situation that is mentioned in Surah Al-Nisa’, where the practice of polygamy has been referred to[1]. I would like to present a brief analysis of the related verses of the referred surah, so that the context in which this reference is made may be clear to you.
The setup in which the verses were revealed is that the Muslims in the battle of Uhud had lost many lives due to which many women had become widows and many children had become orphans. In this setup God says (the following is not a translation, but the theme of the related verses):
People, you must remember that you are all the creation of one God and the children of one mother and one father; the orphans in your society are but your brethren and kinsfolk. It is, therefore, your responsibility to look after the well being and interests of these orphans; if they are young and cannot look after their assets themselves, you must look after these assets for them, and in doing so, you must not unjustly consume their assets fearing that you will have to return it to them at the time of their maturity. In case you fear that you shall not be able to fulfill your responsibilities (regarding the assets and well being of these orphans) in a just manner, God allows you to marry the mothers of these orphans; up to four marriages. But in case you fear that you shall not be able to deal with these wives in a just manner then you must not enter into a second marriage.
As can be seen from the above context, the practice of polygamy has been referred to not for increased pleasure but to provide ease in fulfilling a socio-moral responsibility. In this context, we may say that there are two conditions in which the Qur’an has referred to the practice of polygamy: 1) There should be a socially justifiable reason for it; 2) If a person fears that he shall not be able to maintain a just balance in his dealings with his wives, he must not enter into the second marriage.
It is obvious that when a permission is granted for something, people may take advantage of such permission and use it for satisfying their personal pleasures. The Islamic state, in such a case can take action to check the misuse of such allowances.
In the present times, where a second marriage is looked upon with disgust, there are many instances where a widow has to spend the rest of her life all alone and nobody wants to marry a divorced woman etc. A man, who is naturally inclined towards marrying a young woman for his only wife, may be willing to take an older divorced or widowed woman for a second wife. One of the results of the tradition of taking a second wife, in the Arab society, was that men took upon themselves, as a responsibility, the support of divorced and widowed women by taking them as their wives. This, as can be clearly seen was a great advantage of the referred tradition.
To summarize the above points, Islam does not in any case advocate polygamy, it has only referred to the practice of polygamy, which was an accepted norm of the prevalent Arab society, in a particular situation where a person feels that a second marriage may help him in carrying out an important socio-moral responsibility that, in his opinion, he should fulfill.
I hope this helps.
this issue further:
Benefits For Women
Automatic childcare in a sexist society gives women more effective choice to have a career without devaluing the role of homemaker.
Being able to marry men who are already married means that women can marry men who have already proved themselves, therefore minimising their risk.
Being able to marry the men who attract most women means they don't have to settle just for what's left after other women have the best pickings.
Having the possibility that a husband can remarry without divorce extends practical security to a woman. She needn't worry about losing her husband and income as she loses her looks, because if her husband is attracted by a younger woman, he doesn't even have to think about leaving his wife.
Polygamy removes the pressure on a husband to commit adultery, and removes damaging deceit from a marriage.
Polygamy provides a method where a woman can have a female friend for life as well as a husband.
Polygamy therefore provides more people and a better chance of meeting diverse needs.
Polygamy provides a potential for at least three adult incomes, reducing state dependance and the fear of unemployment.
Controls Placed On Men
If a man wants to have another sexual partner in a polygamous system then he has to meet his responsibilities - pay for any children produced from all his relationships without priority being given to those from a 'legal' relationship.
Polygamy removes or reduces the seduction of innocent young women - If a man promises to marry her, he cannot use his existing marriage as an excuse for not fulfilling a promise.
Polygamy reduces the number of women who are available. Currently, with more women than men, this 'cheapens' women. With less women available their 'value' goes up. In other words, polygamy makes men have to try harder and do better with women if they are to win them in competition with other men.
Polygamy can be a solution for the problems of working mothers. It seems like a pretty good idea for professional women, who can proceed with their careers and have someone at home they can trust to watch their children. It solves the day care problem.
This isn’t blatant support for polygamy...But maybe it can work for some people, and maybe it can make raising children easier, for those trying to juggle careers and motherhood, as a way of helping career women.
If polygamy didn't exist, the modern career woman would have invented it. Because, despite its reputation, polygamy is the one lifestyle that offers an independent woman a real chance to "have it all".
It's helpful to think of polygamy in terms of a free-market approach to marriage. Why shouldn't you or your daughters have the opportunity to marry the best man available, the proofed husband, regardless of his marital status?
Polygamy is an empowering lifestyle for women. It provides you the environment and opportunity to maximize you female potential without all the tradeoffs and compromises that attend monogamy. The women in your family are friends. You don't share two decades of experience, and a man, without those friendships becoming very special.
There are many who would ask, I imagine, why a woman would choose polygamy? It might be a good deal for a man, many might suppose, but why would a woman choose to share her husband with another woman or women and choose to be a polygamous wife? Why settle for the imagined subjugation, exploitation and degradation?
There are many myths and untruths about the polygamous lifestyle, and there are many different forms and practical applications of the theory. There is no "Rule Book for Polygamous Marriage" that lays down the structure and form of the practice. The only guide we have is the Quran, the Holy Word of God, which should guide and enlighten each muslim as we strive to be obedient to Allah's will for our lives. And Sunnah Rasulu-lLah saw.
It is, historically, a form of marriage which has been practiced all over the world, and which is much more prevalent than monogamy. It is also a form of marriage which has taken on a particularly bad connotation in Western European culture, especially in the United States. What is it about this lifestyle that raises such emotion and criticism? At a time when homosexual marriage is becoming more and more accepted, what is the problem with polygamy?
One of the problems is the untruths and misconceptions that form our popular cultural idea of what polygamy is. I have not found that women are exploited or subjugated. Rather the opposite is true. Women achieve more freedom and expanded horizons than in monogamy. Why? There are two or more to share the housework, the cooking, the childcare, freeing each one to have more time to herself to pursue independent goals and objectives. Women are as free as they choose to speak their minds. If women are kept silent, that is the problem of the individuals involved, women as well as men, not the form of marriage. Exploitation and subjugation may occur in some situations, but that also occurs in monogamous marriages. The form of marriage is not the problem - the individuals involved in the marriage and their attitudes are the problem. A polygamous marriage based on Biblical truths and precepts, as all marriages should be, should meet the same standards as any monogamous marriage. Husbands should love their wives, and wives should be submissive to their husbands, based on islamic principles.
To those who would argue that polygamy makes women dependent, I would say from what i have seen that just the opposite is true. A woman married to a man with other wives is forced to have a very strong sense of who she is, what she's doing, and why she is doing it, and must maintain her own sense of identity. Her identity cannot be wrapped up in her husband's identity, the way many women in monogamous marriages become, simply because her husband isn't always there. And for an independent woman, that's one of the advantages. There is free time and energy to spend as one chooses. There is a built-in set of companions and friends for fellowship, for sharing work as well as play, and for help and caring. Allah brings people together in a family for reasons that are beneficial to each person-and so out of every relationship in the family we can learn and grow.
Polygamy is not for everyone. As long as every individual gets the time, energy, caring and compassion he or she requires, what is the problem with a man having more than one wife? As our society has encouraged women to make independent choices, and individuals to fulfill their own unique potential, if a woman chooses polygamy, does anyone have the right to tell her she cannot make that choice? Abuse and exploitation should not be tolerated, as they should not be tolerated anywhere in our society. Polygamy is not abuse. It is a lifestyle ordained by Allah for some people.
Examine the Quran and Hadits. There is nowhere that polygamy is preached against. It was not only common in the Old Testament, it was a common practice in Jewish culture at the time of Christ. Monogamy was only brought to the Jewish world by Roman civilization. Yet if such a common practice was wrong, why did Christ not preach against it, as He did against all the other wrongs of His day? Polygamy is not for everyone. But for some it is Allah's calling and Allah's special blessing. It must be based on islamic principles and lived in obedience to Allah's will, as any monogamous marriage must be. It certainly has its problems and pitfalls, as does any marriage particularly when it is not a lifestyle that we are trained in this culture to live. It is a lifestyle that provides much love, fellowship, support and growth in one's walk with the Lord. To those whom Allah has called, it is a special treasure.
Qualifications
You must love women to be a polygamist? True in polygyny
You must havechildren(Men only)? True
All children must have an inheritance? True
Everyone must live in same house? False
The best polygamist is a Christian polygamist? True
Must be polyamorous? True, there needs to be unconditional love for everyone in the household
Don't have to be peace maker? False
The women never choose the wives? False
Must be treated as king of the castle? True dominant male
Don't have to be accountable to Allah? False
Benefits
Never deal with a problem alone
More Incomes
Free safe babysitting
Help with household
More Free Time
Can have as many children as wish
Opportunity to pursue your dreams
Male security
Loving relationship
Truly happy
Disadvantages
May face social and religious rejection
Additional wives can not be married legally without breaking the law
You have more people to get along with
Less quality time with spouse
Hard to find another good woman
May be negative feelings like jealousy between spouses
Less privacy
More role confusion
Bigger household
Polygamy in Jewish History
The Bible, in tolerating polygamy, gives evidence that the practice had long been an accepted social institution when these laws were written down. In the patriarchal age polygamy is regarded as an unquestioned custom. While the Bible gives a reason for the action of Abraham in taking Hagar for an additional wife and, in the case of Jacob, for having Rachel as a wife besides Leah, it only proves that polygamy as well as concubinage, with which it was always associated, was among the mores of the ancient Hebrew people (Gen. 16:1-4; 29:23-28). The same attitude is revealed in the episode of Abimelech and Sarah (Gen. 20:1-l3).
Polygamy was such a well established part of the social system that Mosaic law is not even critical of it. We find only certain regulations with respect to it; as, for example, if a man takes a second wife the economic position of the first wife and of the children she bore must be secure; and, in the case of inheritance, no child of a subsequent marriage is to be preferred over a child from the first wife. Other regulations were that the high priest could have only one wife and that a king in Israel should not have too many wives (Lev. 21:13; Deut. 17:17; Ex. 21:10). The last injunction, however, was of no effect. David had seven wives before he began to reign in Jerusalem, and an extraordinary number of wives and concubines has been attributed to Solomon (II Sam 3:2-5, 14; 5:13). In connection with David, the prophet Nathan did not denounce the king for adding Uriah's wife to those he already had but for the means he employed to secure her (II Sam. 12:7-15).
However, if polygamy was not forbidden it was not directly sanctioned. It was a heritage from the past and it was left undisturbed. As the civilization of the people reached a higher form and, especially under the teaching of the prophets, their moral and religious consciousness developed, the polygamous system gradually declined. This is noticeable in Israel after the return from the Exile. In the Second Commonwealth polygamy is far from general (cf. Tobit and Susanna). Yet it survived far into the Christian era. In the New Testament Jesus neither condemns polygamous unions nor advocates a change in the system. From this noninterference attitude Luther, as late as the 16th cent., arrived at the conclusion that he could not forbid the taking of more than one wife.
According to the Talmud the right to a plurality of wives is conceded, but the number of legitimate wives, as in the Koran, is limited to four. The taking of additional wives is held as sufficient ground for divorce for a woman who had previously been the sole wife. Where a polygamous union exists, provision must be made for adequate maintenance of each wife as well as a separate domicile. Throughout the Talmudic age not one rabbi is known to have had more than one wife. Monogamy was held to be the only ideal legal union; plurality of wives was a concession to time and condition.
At a later period Maimonides in his Mishneh Torah maintains, contrary to his personal opinion, that polygamous unions from a strictly legal point of view are permissible. Eventually, however, they were proscribed under the authority of Rabbi Gershom (about l000), although cases of polygamy were found in Spain as late as the 14th cent. That such cases were not rare may be inferred from the fact that in the Spanish communities the Kethubah, the document marking the betrothal, exacted that the man was not to take a second wife. The Islamic influence on the Jews in Spain was more or less pronounced until the expulsion at the end of the 15th cent.
In modern Europe polygamy disappeared from Jewish domestic life while among Christians it remained a tolerated privilege of royalty until very late times. In the declaration against polygamy of the Sanhedrin convoked by Napoleon in Paris, in 1805, there is no implication that modern Judaism tolerated plural marriages. It was just an emphatic assertion that Jews had discarded the orientalism of the past and were in full accord with the culture and civilization of Western Europe.
1 – It is haraam to marry a woman who is in ‘iddah following the end of a marriage (by divorce or death) to another man, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And do not consummate the marriage until the term prescribed is fulfilled”
[al-Baqarah 2:235]
The wisdom behind that is that there is the possibility that she might be pregnant [from the first husband], and it would result in the “waters” (sperm) being mixed and the lineage being confused (i.e., if he were to marry her before the ‘iddah was over).
2 – It is haraam to marry a zaaniyah (a woman who has committed fornication or adultery) if she is known to have done that, until she repents and completes her ‘iddah, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“and the adulteress –fornicatress, none marries her except an adulterer — fornicater or a Mushrik]. Such a thing is forbidden to the believers (of Islamic Monotheism)”
[al-Nisaa’ 24:3]
3 – It is forbidden for a man to marry a woman whom he has divorced (talaaq) three times until she has been married to another man in a valid marriage which has been consummated, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“The divorce is twice… And if he has divorced her (the third time), then she is not lawful unto him thereafter until she has married another husband…”
[al-Baqarah 2:229-230]
4 – It is forbidden to marry a woman who is in ihraam [for Hajj or ‘Umrah] until she has exited the state of ihraam.
5 – It is forbidden to be married to two sisters at the same time, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Forbidden to you (for marriage) are: … two sisters in wedlock at the same time”
[al-Nisaa’ 4:23]
It is also forbidden to be married to a woman and her paternal aunt or a woman and her maternal aunt at the same time, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Do not be married to a woman and her paternal aunt or a woman and her maternal aunt at the same time.” (Agreed upon). And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) explained the reason behind that when he said, “If you do that then you have broken the ties of kinship.” That is because of the jealousy that exists between co-wives, and if one of them is related to the other, the ties of kinship between them will be cut. But if a woman is divorced and her ‘iddah is over, then her sister, paternal aunt and maternal aunt become permissible for marriage (to that man), because the reason for the prohibition has ceased to exist.
6 – It is not permissible to be married to more than four women at one time, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three, or four”
[al-Nisaa’ 4:3]
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) commanded those who were married to more than four women to divorce some of them when they entered Islam.
And Allaah knows best.
Women in Islam Versus Women in the Judaeo-Christian Tradition
The Myth and The Reality
By: Sherif Abdel Azim, Ph.D.- Queens University, Kingston, Ontario, Canada
PART 14 - POLYGAMY ?
Let us now tackle the important question of polygamy. Polygamy is a very ancient practice found in many human societies. The Bible did not condemn polygamy. To the contrary, the Old Testament and Rabbinic writings frequently attest to the legality of polygamy. King Solomon is said to have had 700 wives and 300 concubines (1 Kings 11:3) Also, king David is said to have had many wives and concubines (2 Samuel 5:13). The Old Testament does have some injunctions on how to distribute the property of a man among his sons from different wives (Deut. 22:7). The only restriction on polygamy is a ban on taking a wife's sister as a rival wife (Lev. 18:18). The Talmud advises a maximum of four wives. 51 European Jews continued to practice polygamy until the sixteenth century. Oriental Jews regularly practiced polygamy until they arrived in Israel where it is forbidden under civil law. However, under religious law which overrides civil law in such cases, it is permissible. 52
What about the New Testament? According to Father Eugene Hillman in his insightful book, Polygamy reconsidered, "Nowhere in the New Testament is there any explicit commandment that marriage should be monogamous or any explicit commandment forbidding polygamy." 53 Moreover, Jesus has not spoken against polygamy though it was practiced by the Jews of his society. Father Hillman stresses the fact that the Church in Rome banned polygamy in order to conform to the Greco-Roman culture (which prescribed only one legal wife while tolerating concubinage and prostitution). He cited St. Augustine, "Now indeed in our time, and in keeping with Roman custom, it is no longer allowed to take another wife." 54 African churches and African Christians often remind their European brothers that the Church's ban on polygamy is a cultural tradition and not an authentic Christian injunction.
The Quran, too, allowed polygamy, but not without restrictions:
"If you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans, marry women of your choice, two or three or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with them, then only one" (Quran 4:3).
The Quran, contrary to the Bible, limited the maximum number of wives to four under the strict condition of treating the wives equally and justly. It should not be understood that the Quran is exhorting the believers to practice polygamy, or that polygamy is considered as an ideal. In other words, the Quran has "tolerated" or "allowed" polygamy, and no more, but why? Why is polygamy permissible ? The answer is simple: there are places and times in which there are compelling social and moral reasons for polygamy. As the above Quranic verse indicates, the issue of polygamy in Islam cannot be understood apart from community obligations towards orphans and widows. Islam as a universal religion suitable for all places and all times could not ignore these compelling obligations.
In most human societies, females outnumber males. In the U.S. there are, at least, eight million more women than men. In a country like Guinea there are 122 females for every 100 males. In Tanzania, there are 95.1 males per 100 females. 55 What should a society do towards such unbalanced sex ratios? There are various solutions, some might suggest celibacy, others would prefer female infanticide (which does happen in some societies in the world today !). Others may think the only outlet is that the society should tolerate all manners of sexual permissiveness: prostitution, sex out of wedlock, homosexuality, etc. For other societies , like most African societies today, the most honorable outlet is to allow polygamous marriage as a culturally accepted and socially respected institution. The point that is often misunderstood in the West is that women in other cultures do not necessarily look at polygamy as a sign of women's degradation. For example, many young African brides , whether Christians or Muslims or otherwise, would prefer to marry a married man who has already proved himself to be a responsible husband. Many African wives urge their husbands to get a second wife so that they do not feel lonely. 56 A survey of over six thousand women, ranging in age from 15 to 59, conducted in the second largest city in Nigeria showed that 60 percent of these women would be pleased if their husbands took another wife. Only 23 percent expressed anger at the idea of sharing with another wife. Seventy-six percent of the women in a survey conducted in Kenya viewed polygamy positively. In a survey undertaken in rural Kenya, 25 out of 27 women considered polygamy to be better than monogamy. These women felt polygamy can be a happy and beneficial experience if the co-wives cooperate with each other. 57 Polygamy in most African societies is such a respectable institution that some Protestant churches are becoming more tolerant of it. A bishop of the Anglican Church in Kenya declared that, "Although monogamy may be ideal for the expression of love between husband and wife, the church should consider that in certain cultures polygyny is socially acceptable and that the belief that polygyny is contrary to Christianity is no longer tenable." 58 After a careful study of African polygamy, Reverend David Gitari of the Anglican Church has concluded that polygamy, as ideally practiced, is more Christian than divorce and remarriage as far as the abandoned wives and children are concerned. 59 I personally know of some highly educated African wives who, despite having lived in the West for many years, do not have any objections against polygamy. One of them, who lives in the U.S., solemnly exhorts her husband to get a second wife to help her in raising the kids.
The problem of the unbalanced sex ratios becomes truly problematic at times of war. Native American Indian tribes used to suffer highly unbalanced sex ratios after wartime losses. Women in these tribes, who in fact enjoyed a fairly high status, accepted polygamy as the best protection against indulgence in indecent activities. European settlers, without offering any other alternative, condemned this Indian polygamy as 'uncivilised'. 60 After the second world war, there were 7,300,000 more women than men in Germany (3.3 million of them were widows). There were 100 men aged 20 to 30 for every 167 women in that age group. 61 Many of these women needed a man not only as a companion but also as a provider for the household in a time of unprecedented misery and hardship. The soldiers of the victorious Allied Armies exploited these women's vulnerability. Many young girls and widows had liaisons with members of the occupying forces. Many American and British soldiers paid for their pleasures in cigarettes, chocolate, and bread. Children were overjoyed at the gifts these strangers brought. A 10 year old boy on hearing of such gifts from other children wished from all his heart for an 'Englishman' for his mother so that she need not go hungry any longer. 62 We have to ask our own conscience at this point: What is more dignifying to a woman? An accepted and respected second wife as in the native Indians' approach, or a virtual prostitute as in the 'civilised' Allies approach? In other words, what is more dignifying to a woman, the Quranic prescription or the theology based on the culture of the Roman Empire?
It is interesting to note that in an international youth conference held in Munich in 1948 the problem of the highly unbalanced sex ratio in Germany was discussed. When it became clear that no solution could be agreed upon, some participants suggested polygamy. The initial reaction of the gathering was a mixture of shock and disgust. However, after a careful study of the proposal, the participants agreed that it was the only possible solution. Consequently, polygamy was included among the conference final recommendations. 63
The world today possesses more weapons of mass destruction than ever before and the European churches might, sooner or later, be obliged to accept polygamy as the only way out. Father Hillman has thoughtfully recognized this fact, "It is quite conceivable that these genocidal techniques (nuclear, biological, chemical..) could produce so drastic an imbalance among the sexes that plural marriage would become a necessary means of survival....Then contrary to previous custom and law, an overriding natural and moral inclination might arise in favour of polygamy. In such a situation, theologians and church leaders would quickly produce weighty reasons and biblical texts to justify a new conception of marriage." 64
To the present day, polygamy continues to be a viable solution to some of the social ills of modern societies. The communal obligations that the Quran mentions in association with the permission of polygamy are more visible at present in some Western societies than in Africa. For example, In the United States today, there is a severe gender crisis in the black community. One out of every twenty young black males may die before reaching the age of 21. For those between 20 and 35 years of age, homicide is the leading cause of death. 65 Besides, many young black males are unemployed, in jail, or on dope. 66 As a result, one in four black women, at age 40, has never married, as compared with one in ten white women. 67 Moreover, many young black females become single mothers before the age of 20 and find themselves in need of providers. The end result of these tragic circumstances is that an increasing number of black women are engaged in what is called 'man-sharing'. 68 That is, many of these hapless single black women are involved in affairs with married men. The wives are often unaware of the fact that other women are 'sharing' their husbands with them. Some observers of the crisis of man-sharing in the African American community strongly recommend consensual polygamy as a temporary answer to the shortage of black males until more comprehensive reforms in the American society at large are undertaken. 69 By consensual polygamy they mean a polygamy that is sanctioned by the community and to which all the parties involved have agreed, as opposed to the usually secret man-sharing which is detrimental both to the wife and to the community in general. The problem of man-sharing in the African American community was the topic of a panel discussion held at Temple University in Philadelphia on January 27, 1993. 70 Some of the speakers recommended polygamy as one potential remedy for the crisis. They also suggested that polygamy should not be banned by law, particularly in a society that tolerates prostitution and mistresses. The comment of one woman from the audience that African Americans needed to learn from Africa where polygamy was responsibly practiced elicited enthusiastic applause.
Philip Kilbride, an American anthropologist of Roman Catholic heritage, in his provocative book, Plural marriage for our time, proposes polygamy as a solution to some of the ills of the American society at large. He argues that plural marriage may serve as a potential alternative for divorce in many cases in order to obviate the damaging impact of divorce on many children. He maintains that many divorces are caused by the rampant extramarital affairs in the American society. According to Kilbride, ending an extramarital affair in a polygamous marriage, rather than in a divorce, is better for the children, "Children would be better served if family augmentation rather than only separation and dissolution were seen as options." Moreover, he suggests that other groups will also benefit from plural marriage such as: elderly women who face a chronic shortage of men and the African Americans who are involved in man-sharing. 71
In 1987, a poll conducted by the student newspaper at the university of California at Berkeley asked the students whether they agreed that men should be allowed by law to have more than one wife in response to a perceived shortage of male marriage candidates in California. Almost all of the students polled approved of the idea. One female student even stated that a polyganous marriage would fulfil her emotional and physical needs while giving her greater freedom than a monogamous union. 72 In fact, this same argument is also used by the few remaining fundamentalist Mormon women who still practice polygamy in the U.S. They believe that polygamy is an ideal way for a woman to have both a career and children since the wives help each other care for the children. 73
It has to be added that polygamy in Islam is a matter of mutual consent. No one can force a woman to marry a married man. Besides, the wife has the right to stipulate that her husband must not marry any other woman as a second wife. 74 The Bible, on the other hand, sometimes resorts to forcible polygamy. A childless widow must marry her husband's brother, even if he is already married (see the "Plight of Widows" section),regardless of her consent (Genesis 38:8-10).
It should be noted that in many Muslim societies today the practice of polygamy is rare since the gap between the numbers of both sexes is not huge. One can, safely, say that the rate of polygamous marriages in the Muslim world is much less than the rate of extramarital affairs in the West. In other words, men in the Muslim world today are far more strictly monogamous than men in the Western world.
Billy Graham, the eminent Christian evangelist has recognized this fact: "Christianity cannot compromise on the question of polygamy. If present-day Christianity cannot do so, it is to its own detriment. Islam has permitted polygamy as a solution to social ills and has allowed a certain degree of latitude to human nature but only within the strictly defined framework of the law. Christian countries make a great show of monogamy, but actually they practice polygamy. No one is unaware of the part mistresses play in Western society. In this respect Islam is a fundamentally honest religion, and permits a Muslim to marry a second wife if he must, but strictly forbids all clandestine amatory associations in order to safeguard the moral probity of the community." 75
It is of interest to note that many, non-Muslim as well as Muslim, countries in the world today have outlawed polygamy. Taking a second wife, even with the free consent of the first wife, is a violation of the law. On the other hand, cheating on the wife, without her knowledge or consent, is perfectly legitimate as far as the law is concerned! What is the legal wisdom behind such a contradiction? Is the law designed to reward deception and punish honesty? It is one of the unfathomable paradoxes of our modern 'civilised' world.
What Makes Life 100%?
If A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is
represented by 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23
24 25 26 respectively.
Then,
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98 % Only
K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96 % Only.
But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 %
Many a times, it is our attitude that determines how we look at
LIFE.>
-----
Dapet dari nguping ...
HAVE A NICE DAY ...>
The Muslim and His Wife
By Dr. Muhammad ‘Ali Al-Hashimi
Islamic View of Marriage and Woman
Marriage in Islam offers tranquility to the soul and peace to the mind, so that man and woman may live together in an atmosphere of love, mercy, harmony, co-operation, mutual advice and tolerance, and lay the foundation for raising a Muslim family in a nurturing, sound environment.
The Holy Qur’an has described, in the most moving and eloquent terms, this eternal, natural relationship between man and woman, which is filled with tranquility, security, love, understanding and compassion:
"And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your [hearts]: verily in that are Signs for those who reflect." (Qur’an 30:21)
Marriage is a union of souls, in the deepest sense. Allah (S.W.T.) joins these two souls together so that they may enjoy tranquility and stability in a marital home filled with sincere love and compassionate mercy.
In Islam, the righteous woman is viewed as one of the joys of this life, and a great blessing to a man, for he comes home to her and relaxes after facing the struggles of life, and finds with her incomparable peace, comfort and pleasure. The Prophet (S.A.W.) spoke only the truth said:
“This world is just temporary conveniences, and the best comfort in this word is a righteous woman.” (Muslim)
Islam regards marriage very highly, and views femininity as something to be valued and cherished.
The ideal Muslim’s wife
On the basis of this view of marriage and of women, the Muslim is not attracted by the empty-headed attitude displayed by some girls nowadays. Rather, he is attracted by a sound Muslim personality, and he takes his time in choosing a partner for life, looking for a partner who has the right Islamic characteristics which make for a stable and happy married life. Therefore he is not interested in the superficial physical beauty, grace and elegance that are the sole concern of empty-headed youngsters. While he may not ignore physical looks, he must look for strong religious beliefs and practice, intelligence, and good behavior, following the advice of the Prophet (S.A.W):
“A woman may be married for four things: for her wealth, for her noble descent, for her beauty or for her religion. Choose the one who is religious, lest your hands be rubbed with dust!” (Bukhari and Muslim)
Although the Prophet (S.A.W.) advised the young Muslim to look for a religious wife, this does not mean that he should ignore his preferences regarding physical beauty. The Prophet (S.A.W.) encouraged seeing a woman before finalizing the marriage, so that a Muslim will not find himself trapped in a marriage with a woman he finds unattractive.
Al-Mughirah ibn Sha‘bah said:
“I got engaged to a woman at the time of the Prophet (S.A.W). He asked me, ‘Have you seen her?’ I said, ‘No.’ He said, ‘Go and have a look at her, because it is more fitting that love and compatibility be established between you.’”
A man who had got engaged to a woman of the Ansar came to the Prophet (S.A.W), who asked him: “Have you seen her?” He said, “No.” so the Prophet (S.A.W.) ordered him to go and see her.2
The Prophet (S.A.W.) emphasized, in more than one hadith, the fact that beauty is one of the basic characteristics that a man should look for in a woman, besides the other, moral, characteristics that are desirable. Indeed, the two are inseparable. For example, he told Ibn ‘Abbas (R.A.A):
“Shall I tell you the most precious thing a man can have? It is a righteous wife: when he looks at her he is pleased, when he tells her to do something she obeys, and when he is away she is faithful and loyal to him.”
Abu Hurayrah (R.A.A.) said:
“The Prophet (S.A.W.) was asked: ‘Which woman is the best?’ He said, ‘The one who pleases him when he looks at her, who obeys him when he tells her to do something, and who does not do something he dislikes with regard to herself or to his wealth.”
This is the guidance given by the Prophet (S.A.W.) regarding the personality of the woman who can bring happiness, tranquility and stability to a man, and who can make a cheerful, pleasant and secure home in which to raise a brood of successful, courageous, intelligent children. The Prophet (S.A.W.) insisted that marriage should be firmly built on a solid foundation, striking a balance between physical, mental, spiritual and emotional needs, so that it will not be rocked by personality clashes or differences in attitude. Therefore the true Muslim who is guided by the shari‘ah of Allah (S.W.T.) in all his affairs, does not fall for the wiles of the “jezebels” who are the beautiful women of bad character; rather he (S.A.W.) tells people: “Beware of the ‘jezebels’.”
He follows the guidance of Islam in his married life
After marriage, the true Muslim adheres to the Islamic injunction to treat his wife well. The Islamic recommendations concerning women, and the way in which Islam encourages men to respect them, are nothing short of amazing.
Islam recommends men to treat women well, and gives them a status that they have never enjoyed in any other religion. So we see the Prophet (S.A.W.) admonishing all men:
“Treat women kindly, for woman was created from a rib. The part of it that is most bent is the top. If you try to straighten it you will break it, and if you leave it alone it will remain bent. So treat women kindly.” (Bukhari and Muslim)
According to a report given by Bukhari and Muslim, he (S.A.W.) said:
“Woman is like a rib: if you try to straighten it you will break it, and if you enjoy her (or your relationship with her), you will do so in spite of her crookedness.”
According to a report given by Muslim, he (S.A.W.) said:
“Woman was created from a rib. She will never be straightforward and consistent for you in any way. If you enjoy her (or your relationship with her), you will do so in spite of her crookedness. If you try to straighten her, you will break her, and her breaking is her divorce.”
This description given by the Prophet (S.A.W.) eloquently describes the reality and nature of woman. She will not remain consistent in the way her husband may wish, but the Muslim husband must understand that this is her nature, the way she has been created. He should not try to straighten her in the way he is convinced is correct, but he should respect her unique feminine nature and accept her the way Allah (S.W.T.) made her, complete with the “crookedness” that means that she will not be as he wishes in some aspects. If he insists on straightening her and moulding her to his wishes, it will be like trying to straighten a bent rib: it will break in his hands, and the breaking of a woman is divorce (i.e., the matter will end in divorce).
When the Muslim husband truly follows this guidance of the Prophet (S.A.W), which is based on a deep understanding of the psychology and nature of women, he will tolerate his wife’s mistakes and turn a blind eye to her faults, recognizing that these are part of her nature. Thus the marital home will be safe and calm, free from shouting or arguments.
We may note that in the hadith quoted above, the Prophet (S.A.W.) started with the words “Treat women kindly,” then after analyzing the nature of woman, he ended with the same words: “Treat women kindly.” How great was the concern of the Prophet (S.A.W.) for women, and how deep was his understanding of their psychology! Does the sincere Muslim husband have any choice but to follow this guidance and put it into practice at every moment?
The Prophet’s concern for women reached such an extent that he did not forget to remind Muslims to treat them kindly, in his farewell sermon (khutbat al-wada‘). This is the khutbah in which the Prophet (S.A.W.) reiterated the essential points of Islam, when he realized that this was the last time he would stand and address the Muslims during Hajj. He did not omit to advise Muslims to treat women kindly, beginning his words concerning women with a warning that is indicative of his care and concern:
“. . . Interact with women kindly, for they are prisoners and you have no other power over them than that, if they are guilty of open lewdness, then refuse to share their beds, and beat them, but not severely, but if they return to obedience, (then) seek not against them means of annoyance. You have rights over your women and they have rights over you. Your right over them is that they should not entertain at your hearth anyone (or commit adultery with), and not to allow into your home anyone whom you dislike, and their right over you is that you should feed and clothe them well.”
This is good advice, in which every sincere Muslim husband recognizes the wisdom of the Prophet (S.A.W.) in defining the rights and duties of husband and wife in a framework of mercy and compassion towards women which leaves no room for even thinking of oppressing or harming one’s wife.
The Prophet (S.A.W.) gave many recommendations concerning women, to the extent that he described the man who treats his wife well as being one of the best and among the elite of his Ummah:
“The believer who has the most perfect faith is the one whose behaviour is best, and the best of you are the ones who are best to their women.”
Some women came to the family of the Prophet (S.A.W.) complaining about their husbands. So the Prophet (S.A.W.) announced to the men:
“Many women have visited the family of Muhammad, complaining about their husbands. Verily those are not the best among you.”
True Islam is pre-eminent in its fairness and respect towards women, and in its recommendation to husbands to treat their wives well even if they dislike them. This is something which women have never enjoyed throughout their history, except in this religion. Allah (S.W.T.) says in the Qur’an:
". . . live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If you take a dislike to them it may be that you dislike a thing, and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good." (Qur’an 4:19)
This Ayah touches the heart of the true Muslim, so that his anger is soothed and his dislike towards his wife is lessened. In this way Islam protects the sacred marriage bond from being exposed to the danger of turbulent emotions and the folly of changing moods. When a man came to ‘Umar ibn al-Khattab (R.A.A.) and told him that he wanted to divorce his wife because he disliked her, ‘Umar (R.A.A.) said, “Woe to you! Are families only built on love? Where is your consideration and care?”
The marriage bond in Islam is of greater importance than emotional whims and rises above the pressures of crazy animal urges. The true Muslim possesses enough chivalry, nobility, courtesy, patience, generosity and strength of character to make him rise above any dislike of his wife in his dealings with her. Far be it from him to think only in terms of mindless animal instincts or making a profit!
The true Muslim cannot do other than obey his Rabb; so he treats his wife well even if he dislikes her, because he understands the words of his wise Rabb about the things that are hidden from him, and they are many. A man may dislike something and try to distance himself from it, when in fact it is full of goodness and blessing. The true Muslim knows how to love and how to hate. Love is not blind for him, neither does he go to extremes of dislike and hatred, but in either case his attitude is moderate and balanced.
The Prophet (S.A.W.) explained that even if a husband dislikes his believing Muslim wife, she will still have some favorable characteristics which will please him, so he should not ignore the good side of her character and focus only on the negative aspects:
“No believing man should hate a believing woman. If he dislikes one of her characteristics, there will be others that do please him.” (Muslim)
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For the continuation of this article please visit our website http://www.wefound.org and click on the heading "Ideal Muslim” see the new article "The Muslim and His Wife” or click on New Addition and see the said article. The article discusses the following subtopics:
* The true Muslim is an ideal husband
* One of the most successful husbands
* He understands his wife and respects her feelings
* He helps her to make up for her failings and weaknesses
* He knows how to strike a balance between pleasing his wife and
treating his mother with due kindness and respect
* He fully understands his role as a protector and maintainer (qawwam) of his wife
Personal status > Marriage
Hits in the Holy Qur'an 58
The Holy Qur'an > Surah Al-Baqarah> Verse 221
Do not marry unbelieving women until they believe: a slave woman who believes is better than an unbelieving woman. Even though she allure you. Nor marry (your girls) to Unbelievers until they believe: a slave man who believes is better than an Unbeliever even though he allure you. Unbelievers do (but) beckon you to the Fire. But Allah beckons by His Grace to the Garden (of Bliss) and forgiveness, and makes His Signs clear to mankind: that they may receive admonition.
The Holy Qur'an > Surah Al-Baqarah> Verse 222
They ask thee concerning women's courses. Say: They are a hurt and a pollution: so keep away from women in their courses, and do not approach them until they are clean. But when they have purified themselves, ye may approach them in any manner, time, or place ordained for you by Allah. For Allah loves those who turn to Him constantly and He loves those who keep themselves pure and clean.
The Holy Qur'an > Surah Al-Baqarah> Verse 223
Your wives are as a tilth unto you: so approach your tilth when or how you will; but do some good act for your souls beforehand; and fear Allah, and know that ye are to meet Him (in the Hereafter), and give (these) good tidings to those who believe.
The Holy Qur'an > Surah Al-Baqarah> Verse 228
Divorced women shall wait concerning themselves for three monthly periods. Nor is it lawful for them to hide what Allah hath created in their wombs, if they have faith in Allah and the Last Day. And their husbands have the better right to take them back in that period, if they wish for reconciliation. And women shall have rights similar to the rights against them, according to what is equitable; but men have a degree (of advantage) over them. And Allah is Exalted in Power, Wise.
The Holy Qur'an > Surah Al-Baqarah> Verse 229
A divorce is only permissible twice: after that, the parties should either hold together on equitable terms, or separate with kindness. It is not lawful for you, (men), to take back any o
A man's fair opinion about polygyny - Dan - 03-27-2004
Bismillah
As salam alaikum
Jazak Allah for the book. Subhanallah. I have found that people are more likely to read a post if they are shorter and concise. Some of the brothers and sisters break up such long pieces of text into a couple of posts over a couple of days. This seems to allow more people the opportunity to read them.
Welcome to the board, brother.
As salam alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu